Monday 31 August 2009

Changes along Life's Journey

Isn't it interesting to see where life takes you? I'm at a place now where I feel content, satisfied and excited about where my life now seems to be heading. It's a different place to where I imagined I would be a few years ago, but it most definitely feels like the right place for me to be right now. And from where I stand, I can see the way ahead fairly clearly; at least in the short to medium term, & I like how the road ahead of me looks. I also feel that I've got the right companions by my side to guide, support, encourage, share and appreciate my life with me.

It feels like I was somehow destined to end up at this point; life is finally coming together for me, the pieces of the jigsaw are now fitting together. It's been quite a twisty, mountainous road at times with a few storms along the way. It's also been a very lonely road for many miles. For the last 13 years though I've been privileged to have the company of the best little furry friend in the world. Scrumpy has been my constant companion and confidante, but now as the end of her life approaches, it feels like I'm getting ready to step out into the next part of my life. Scrumpy and I are about to part company; she's taken me as far as she can, but I think she'll hang around a little bit longer yet until she knows I'm safe, in good hands and heading in the right direction.

Who knows what life has in store for me next though. The last 3 months have been such an emotional time, with huge highs and deep, unexpected lows. But I'm still here; as are the people who have been through those highs and lows with me. And we're stronger as a result and know that no matter what life throws at us, we'll survive. Life has many lessons to teach us, and as long as we learn those lessons I don't think we can go far wrong. It's when we choose to ignore the lessons and not take the risks involved in making changes that we become stagnant and defensive and life becomes difficult. Or when we choose not to assimilate the changes that happen around us; to people, places and experiences. Because change, that of both ourselves and others, can be scary, but it's also what allows us to grow & experience life to its fullest.

Our lessons come in so many different guises and our journeys too. Some of us literally travel the world, growing as we collect the miles and absorb the experiences of other cultures. Some people travel those same miles though and don't learn anything; they just gather the pictures. Others of us choose to stay close to home but travel countless miles within our own experience, and yet others who don't leave home often just sit, stagnate and let life pass by outside their window.

For me, the most exciting thing about life is the unknown, the what happens next, the constant changes in direction, the ongoing growth and exploration. Life is a journey to be enjoyed . . . . .




Tuesday 25 August 2009

Decisions and Choices

Sometimes in life, we have to make very difficult decisions and choices. Sometimes it seems that whatever choice you make, you stand to lose.

I found myself in just such a position not so long ago, & I still wonder if I made the right choice. Torn between letting down two very special people in my life, I had to make a decision as to which one of them it had to be. It's been one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make & I spent so much time considering it, but I'm still not 100% certain I made the right choice. At the time, I did what felt right in order to protect something precious to me, but at the potential cost of damaging something equally precious. I think I might have gotten away with it, but I'll never completely let go of the guilt I felt at having to let someone down & the fear of having destroyed their trust in me.

But life's not always black and white, and sometimes we do have to make impossible choices. What do we do in such a situation? All we can do is make the decision that we believe is the right one for us, & I guess, if it proves not to be the right choice to have made, then we have to accept & live with the consequences. Sometimes though, those risky, grey decisions we need to make can be turning points in our lives & the start of something successful, which is what I'm hoping for from the second big decision I've recently had to make . . . .

This one involved my PhD . . . At the end of my first year I had to choose between an extra year's funding from my employer, staying with the research question I've worked on for the last 10 months or taking a big financial risk, self-funding, & changing my research question. I chose to step out of the safety net of work & the known, & go it alone. And the relief I've felt since is proving to me that I've made the right decision. Yes, it might be tough financially, but I have no doubt that it will be worth it. If you want something badly enough in life, you find a way of getting it. It's all a matter of determination. And the freedom & sense of liberation I feel in knowing that the PhD is completely mine now, & I'm no longer indebted to anyone else, is hugely empowering. The PhD means so much more to me now & I know I'll put even more work into it now than I would have done.

I also had to make a decision regarding the number of hours I worked; another decision which has financial implications. And again, I've followed my heart, my gut instinct. I've reduced my employment hours in order to give me more time for my PhD, & also I hope, more time in which to promote my private counselling practice & training courses / workshops. The risk I've taken in reducing my income, I'm sure, will give me the push & motivation to promote myself further & find more creative ways of living and financing my life.

And then of course, I've got another decision looming over me sometime soon. The cancer my cat Scrumpy, is suffering from will one day make her life uncomfortable & then I'll have to make that awful decision of choosing when to end her life. It's huge responsibility to think about choosing when to end a life (even that of a pet's), but I know I have to put her comfort first. And I know that the best gift I can give her for the 13 years of love & pleasure she's given me will be to end her life before she becomes distressed. I suspect there might be many more blog entries around this over the coming weeks, & hopefully, if she lives that long, months . . . .

Thursday 20 August 2009

Friendships continued

Following on from my earlier post regarding friendship . . . just what is it that makes us become friends? In many ways, it's like a love relationship without the 'chemistry', without the sexual attraction, & yet I think, there still must be some kind of 'chemistry' there that draws us to some people and not to others.

And then once we become friends, what is it that keeps us together? Because there are some friends who live just round the corner & who you see on a regular basis . . . & that frienship becomes based on familiarity & getting to know each other well by spending lots of time together & sharing things. They're the friends from whom you have no secrets and who you know you can rely on to be there at a moment's notice. And then there are the friends who live at the other side of the world & who you see infrequently. And yet still, when you do see those people, the friendship is rekindled instantaneously as if no time has passed. And with them too, you know that if you're in trouble, all it takes is a phone call & their love & support is guaranteed - despite the distance. And knowing those friends are there gives a great sense of security; it's like Bowlby's secure attachment base. Like the baby who learns to step out into the world and take risks because it knows it can rely on the secure base of mother always being there, our friends, in adult life, can provide that secure base for us from which to explore and to retreat to secured safety.

And yet some friends just drift apart. Maybe people change too much & it's too uncomfortable to accept those changes in each other. Because change in one person can very easily upset the balance of a friendship duo or group. If one person grows in a way that the other can't accept, then often the friendship can't continue, or certainly has to change. Change in one person can be very threatening to someone else when they feel their 'role' in the group is being threatened or when someone else's 'role' has changed.

So really I guess, the best friends are those who are simply there for us, wherever we are and who will accept us for who we are, even when we do change and move on. And I think that any of us who are lucky enough to experience those kinds of friends, should be thankful . . . because not everyone has them,x

Friday 14 August 2009

Life scripts

I've recently had two lovely experiences through 'Facebook'; experiences which have touched my sense of self & especially my sense of who I was as a school child.

Two people I went to primary / high school with have recently responded to my friend requests, both by saying how much they remember me as "the brainiest girl in the class" or remembering my "gift of memory retention" & thanking me for helping them as much as I did back at school . . . . I know I was always the "class swot"/"teacher's pet" & I've often felt lucky when I've looked back at my school days that I was never bullied for it; for some reason, I seemed to gain the respect of my peers for always being "top of the class". But despite that, I've always carried a sense of unease, a sense of somehow not fitting in or not being one of the "cool kids" because I was intelligent. I've always felt that it left me somehow lacking; that somehow being intelligent meant I must be lacking in other ways - I guess I've never acceped that I am quite intelligent!! And it's taken me to embark on a PhD to finally accept that & to recognise that it's okay to be the "class swot"!

And these two facebook communications have come at such a good time for me, because they've reinforced that, back at school, when I felt I was no-one & felt inferior and somehow different, that other people weren't thinking that; despite my belief that they were. Other people did like me & they remember me fondly - & the messages I received brought a tear to my eye as I realised I had been liked at school and my peers didn't think less of me for being "clever". They've helped me accept who I am; & who I've always been. And I'm now rethinking the "life script" that I've told myself & lived by, since I was a child at school. I can change that now because the reality was very different to what I've always told myself. But isn't it sad that I didn't realise that when I was at school?

I'm not sure my intelligence was successfully celebrated in my family; or rather, I never felt that it was. Within my family, I felt that I had to belittle / minimise it, so as not to be "too clever" , or talk about things other people didn't understand- a "criticism" I clearly remember someone throwing at me. I'm sure it wasn't meant as a criticism, but it's really stayed with me & made me feel uncomfortable about being intelligent. And I realise now how much I've belittled & held myself back in order to not appear too good. And it's time now for that to change; it's time for me to put everything I've got into my career & my PhD and achieve what I'm really capable of!

But all this is making me think about how we, as people, live our lives with ideas in our heads of who we are, and we do whatever we can to ensure we live & experience our lives according to those ideas. Yet so often, other people have such different perspectives of us . . . & quite often those perspectives are much more positive than the ideas we hold. But some well-placed or well-timed comments from someone or a critical reflection on one's own life and life scripts can so easily change an individual's sense of self.

Thursday 13 August 2009

Risks & Changes

Sometimes in life, you've just got to take a risk, jump in with both feet & sink or swim . . . .

Life would be safe if we never took any risks; safe but dull. We all need a bit of excitement in life & if we don't take any risks, we don't get the chance to discover the heights we're really capable of. And for me, that seems sad. Sad to think of a life not lived to its full potential. But how many of us do just that; plod along in the same job, same relationships, same way of living, just because it's become a habit or because they're afraid to make the changes. Change, any kind of change is a risk, but sometimes a risk can be the start of something big . . .

And I guess that's what I'm hoping for now. I've just dropped the number of hours that I'm employed as a counsellor, & am taking a risk on myself & my own private practice and training / workshop provision. It's scary, yet very liberating to be less dependent on an employing organisation for my salary; & to have to accept more respononsibility for myself, my career & earnings. It's up to me now to push & promote myself, to take that risk on it all falling apart. But the thrill of achieving more and achieving it all by my own efforts more than outway the potential risks or the sense of dependency.

As I grow, I realise how much more responsibility I'm prepared to take for myself and my own life. I don't want to be dependent on others for my happiness, my achievements, my life. It's up to me to choose the way I want to live my life and & it's up to me to do what I need to do to get there. No one else will do it for me.

I think that's an important lesson we can all learn; to take responsiblity for ourselves & our lives & to not give that power to anyone else. I spent too much of my earlier life living in a way so as to please other people & fulfill what I perceived their expectations were of me. I'd like to think that I'm leaving that tendency behind & that I'm living more & more the life that I choose to live . . . & how much more satisfying my life is now.

Tuesday 11 August 2009

Friendship

Friendship means so many different things to different people. . . . but for me, friendship is about acceptance, and loving each other for simply being the friend, & person, that they are. It's about sharing experiences (good and bad), thoughts, memories, feelings, fears, love & support.

It's about being there for one another when you're needed . . . but knowing when to step back and let someone make their own mistakes and discoveries. It's about encouraging, & allowing, each other to be the very best that they can be . . . & allowing, & encouraging, each other to be the very worst of who they can be. It's about sharing in the laughter, the fun, the achievements, the successes . . . it's also about sharing the tears, the pain, the sorrow & the failures.

It's about knowing someone as well as you know yourself & feeling safe enough with them to let them know you in the same intimate way. Which can be scary, but without taking the risk of intimacy in a friendship, you don't get the opportunity to experience the true depth of loving someone.

And for me, there's no greater gift than that of friendship.

Monday 10 August 2009

Learning lessons

"Other people may be there to help us, teach us, guide us along our path, but the lesson to be learned is always ours" (Author unknown)

I came across this quote a while ago; I don't remember where from, but I liked it immediately & wrote it down. It seems to me, to sum up the ethos of counselling. As a counsellor, we can facilitate our clients' exploration, growth & discovery. We can be there with them side by side, offering support along their path through the counselling journey; and from our presence and way of being, we can hopefully encourage them to learn the gift of self-acceptance. But we can't learn their lessons for them or 'fix' them, 'cure' them, or make everything better for them . . . that can only come from themselves.

And for all of us, the lessons we have to learn, the decisions we have to make, the things we have to do, the changes we need to make . . . can only come from within. And yes; friendship, support, love, and guidance are all invaluable, and make life much richer, but still, the lessons and progress we individually have to make, can only come from within.

And writing as someone who's life is currently in a state of change & flux, I'm very aware of the need to take more responsibility for myself, my life and my decisions. Change can be an opportunity to re-evaluate one's life and to decide where you want your life to take you. And for me, that's about increasing my sense of autonomy and taking the wheel so that I can steer my life in the direction I want it to take me.

Sunday 9 August 2009

Setting the Scene . . . where am I?

I guess it would be good to tell you all a little bit about me, or at least to fill you in on where I am right now in my life . . . .

Up until a few weeks ago, I thought my life was settled & would remain fairly stationary for the next 5 years or so, but it seemed that life, fate, call it what you will, had other ideas for me.

Friday 29th May I discovered my cat, Scrumpy, probably had mammary cancer - an aggressive type of cancer in cats. I was devastated. She's only 12 & I'd hoped she would be with me throughout the duration of the PhD I'm currently working towards . . . but it seems it's not meant to be. She had an operation to remove the tumours, which was successful, but unfortunately, the cancer had already spread. The tumours are now back, and growing bigger, & I've decided not to put her through any more treatment, but to allow her to enjoy the rest of her life. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to know yet that she's ill, & other than a bit of discomfort if I touch the tumours, she's absolutely fine - enjoying being spoilt!?! But it's awful living under the uncertainty of how much longer I actually have left with her. (I think there's a whole blog entry in this one - pets & the role they play on our lives - but I'm going to save that one for another day!)

Back to my life . . . after time off work on the sick with an inner ear infection, (which, incidently, led to me losing my balance, tripping up & landing on the cat's scratchpost - breaking a rib & a tooth in the process!!?!) I went back to find that the funding situation regarding my PhD had changed - another kick in the stomach (or should that be 'ribs'?!) it seemed! It felt that all of the work I'd done over the last year had been for nothing. With fantastic support from my university (York St John), I've been able to turn the whole thing around & begin working with a different research proposal. And although I'm now having to self-fund it (& hopefully find some funding opportunities in other places - all donations very gratefully accepted!!!!), it feels that I have so much more ownership of it. It's all mine now!! Which feels good!!

The funding from work had also meant that I'd settled myself with the assumption that I'd be staying in my current employment for the duration of my PhD, & it felt quite good to know I had that stability. But with the change in funding, I've now realised that I'm no longer tied to them. I can do whatever I want again . . . & that feels good!! I've learned from this, that I don't like feeling indebted to an organisation, & this is where I'm realising that I need to start taking a few more risks with my private counselling practice & training courses. Take even more responsibility for establishing my career & working patterns exactly how I want them to be - become more autonomous. And that, too, feels good.

There's lots of opportunities for me at present (I'll tell you all about them some other time!?) & I'm receiving huge support & great advice from a number of sources, & I currently feel extremely excited & optimistic about my future . . . let's just hope I'm right!!

Endings & New Beginnings

Life is constantly changing; endings & their subsequent new beginnings are part & parcel of life's package. Often, the endings we find ourselves experiencing aren't of our own making & we don't always get to control when, how, or why, those endings occur. What we are able to control though, is the new beginning that must inevitably follow. It's up to us as individuals to learn from the endings & carry forward into our new beginning the lessons learned in the process.

There are some times in life when we have to choose to make our own endings & bring things to a close. It can be scary, and it's a brave step to take to close the door on part of your life, a person, or a project you've been involved with. But it can also be empowering and freeing; a time for reflection on life to date & an opportunity to consider carefully where you intend to take your life next.

Life, for all of us, is a continual process of growth, change, opportunity, disappointment, endings & new beginnings . . . . & this blog is part of my latest new beginning.