Midnight strikes ...

In many ways, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are days like every other in the year … one day turning into night turning into another day.  And yet on 31^st December each year of the Gregorian calendar, many people around the world will celebrate that natural phenomenon. New Year is a man-made construct.  The world continues turning just as it always does every day. Man created the calendar; man created the concept of time in an attempt to bring order to our increasingly civilised lives around the changes of the natural world.

In some ways, I like the idea of ‘new year.’  It’s good to have a time to reflect back on the year that’s passed and to begin to look forward to the year ahead.  And to know that millions of other people around the world are potentially doing a similar thing feeds into that human need to belong, to feel a part of something bigger than oneself.  For me, that’s part of the uniqueness of New Year; on no other evening throughout the year are so many people celebrating, focusing on or experiencing the clock chimes of midnight with such anticipation.  And to think of people around the world celebrating as the year turns in their time zone … like a global tidal wave of time and celebration.

It can quite a melancholic time of year too as we reflect on the people, loves, pets, and other things that have been lost throughout the year.  A lot can change in a person’s life from the midnight chimes of one New Year’s Day to another and it can sometimes be difficult or even painful, to reflect on those changes.  Conversely, it can be a time of celebration of a year of achievements, happiness, love and good things experienced.

The ending of one year and beginning of a new one can also be a time of hope and optimism as people look forward to good things they hope to achieve or experience.  A new year can feel like a clean page in a book, just waiting to be filled with happy tales & images.  And I guess this is where people would write their New Year Resolutions … hopes, goals and aims for the year ahead.  For some people, these resolutions will be fulfilled; for others they turn into disappointments when they’re unable to live up to the goals they’ve set for themselves. 

For myself, I like the opportunity to stand where I am right now today; to look over my shoulder at the year gone by and to decide which learnings from the previous twelve months to bring with me and which things to leave behind.  To also look forward in the direction in which I’m heading and to catch a glimpse or two of the experiences ahead of me in the coming year.  An exciting place to be as we can never know what the future holds for us.  We can make plans and resolutions, but sometimes life has other ideas for us … & that’s both scary an exciting.

I’m looking forward with excitement and anticipation to whatever 2012 has in store for me.  I intend to make the most of the opportunities I can create for myself and to negotiate as best I can the detours life might just choose to lead me on.

Wishing you all a fulfilling, growthful and satisfying 2012, x

The Most Magical Night of the Year

For me, even now, Christmas Eve is still the most magical night of the year. As an adult, I am still able to capture and experience the feelings I had as a child on Christmas Eve … and, I love, every year, tapping into those life-long feelings … feelings I hope I can hold onto for always.  I can still re-experience that sense of awe, bewilderment, anticipation and joy at the idea of, and belief in, Santa Claus.  I can still feel what it felt like to truly believe and to imagine Santa, his sleigh and his reindeer flying through the night air, landing on roof tops … and again, I intend to never let go of those old feelings I can still feel …

Every year, I truly believe that magic can happen.  I always spend time on Christmas Eve looking back over the year that has gone by, remembering and being grateful for the achievements and good times, remembering and being grateful for the growth and learnings that have come from the not so good times.  And then, looking forward with excitement and anticipation to the year ahead … tapping into the magic of childhood and years gone by, and ‘believing’ (hoping?) that some of that magic just might make its way into the year ahead.

Christmas Eve in my childhood involved a walk up to the local church with my parents for the Children’s Nativity Service at tea time.  I still remember being in the church, holding my candle, watching the nativity scene grow as members of the congregation added the various people to the manger scene as the service, readings and carols, took us through the story of the nativity.  I loved the feeling in the church; of connection, of reverence, of magic, and of excitement.  And it was in the church, that for me, I’d start thinking about Santa Claus coming later that evening once I was fast asleep in bed.

After the service, we’d walk back home and my Mam would cook a joint of ham for Christmas tea time.  My Dad would go out with his friends … and I’d wait up for him coming home so we could both have sandwiches of hot, freshly cooked ham, with the butter melting on the bread from the heat of the ham!  Before this, I’d have helped my Mam put chocolates (usually Quality Street!), nuts, dates, Turkish Delight and Liquorice Allsorts out on the coffee table around the Christmas tree … and, I’d have ‘sampled’ the treats we were putting out. 

I also remember sitting in our living room, with the ceiling light out and just sitting in the glow of the coloured fairy-lights on the Christmas tree.  I used to love the coloured glow reflecting on the walls, and just sitting / lying on the sofa under that same coloured glow … it was a really special time of the year for me.

 

I’d also leave a glass of milk, a tot of whisky and a mince pie out for Santa Claus … with a carrot left for Rudolph.  I’d also leave a note for Santa … which, the next morning, had always been answered!!

And then, I’d love going to bed … lying there, going to sleep, believing that Santa Claus would come through the night and leave presents for me.  Even once I was old enough to stop believing, I was still able to remember, and re-experience those feelings …  feelings I’m feeling now,  and feelings I know I’ll experience as I lie in bed this evening.

And I love, that I can still remember, re-experience that magic, that sense of anticipation and belief.  I love feeling those old feelings, each and every year …

And the feeling of waking up on Christmas morning, knowing that Santa Claus had been!  And the excitement of going into the dining room to see toys from Santa …  and then into the living room to find wrapped presents under the tree from other people.  I loved … and still love remembering and re-experiencing … the excitement, anticipation of Christmas morning!

  

And I know, that even when I wake tomorrow morning and I become aware that it’s Christmas morning, I’ll re-experience those feelings from childhood of excitement and anticipation and of awe that Santa will have been.  I LOVE Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning for the magical feelings they still instil in me …

I feel really lucky and privileged that I can still feel those wonderful childhood magical feelings ... hope you can all feel them too, x

A Hypnotic Christmas Present From Me To You

I’ve recently completed a Diploma in Clinical Hypnotherapy, and so for today’s blog, I’ve decided to write in a different format … a hypnotic Christmas script; my Christmas gift to you … with love, x

I was told a story by a very good friend of mine … a very good friend of yours … a friend who wanted to share goodness and joy … joy and goodness … especially for this special time of year … Once upon a time to relax and let go … of sadness and pain … it’s time to open the doors of your mind is a place of wonder and joy … of hope and happiness is yours to play with, isn’t it?  That’s right … happiness is a wonderful gift … a present given to you … today … in the present … and, as you open this present … and see what’s inside, just for you … and this is what my friend, and your friend, told me … inside the present is a magical gift … a gift with the presence to manifest your Christmas wishes … Look deeply inside … and there you’ll see a snow storm … but this is a magical snow storm … and I know that you’re curious to know … just how deeply this snow can fall … how much deeper and deeper you go, that’s right … and there are children laughing and having fun … playing with brand new toys … sliding down hillsides on sledges … deeper and deeper … sliding safely into a place of  wonder what you’ll find … as you wander through the falling snow … and you know, that as that snows falls around you, softly brushing against your skin … and you’re curious because this snow is magical … and this snow is soft … and curiously, warm and comfortable … as, you join in with the children’s games … building snow men … and snow balls and this s(k)now it’s your time to have fun, to laugh, to giggle … for always and in all ways … that’s right … to be filled with the wonder of the child … the child that knows that magic is real … that Father Christmas comes to you … on his sleigh … and … ssshh … just listen to the sound of those sleigh bells … hear those bells ring out your name … feel the vibration as the message of Christmas … the message of your Christmas … is told to you … as you listen … and hear the words that you need to hear today … voices coming from inside your present … with words of joy and hope and happiness … for today, for Christmas… and for your future is here today … wrap up those words, gift wrap your snowstorm … and, as my friend … and your friend … Father Christmas told me … take your present of happiness, love and joy … and gift it to yourself … for your present … for your future and for all of your tomorrows … and I know that now …  as you open your eyes to your present … your heart and life are filled, with love, joy and happiness … 

Merry Christmas 2011; with wishes that this is your merriest Christmas yet ...

The body as object or experiential container of self?

In modern western society, we live in a culture where a great deal of emphasis is placed on how we look as opposed to what our bodies actually enable us to do and experience. This creates a sense of our bodies as objects and creates a sense of disconnection between our bodies and our experiencing of our-Selves.

In the past, our bodies were experienced and appreciated more as means of production, ensuring we remained connected to, and within them. Before the advent of modern technology we used our bodies more; housework was heavier than it is now, people were more actively involved in the growth and production of their own food. The machines we use today create a distance between those things and our bodies, and we no longer experience the satisfaction of using our bodies for hard labour. And it seems that the less, as a society, we have the need to use our bodies for production or constructive reasons, the more the emphasis has shifted onto how our bodies look.

Turning the body into an object to be sculpted, to be dieted or exercised into an ideal dictated to us by the media and peer pressure, disconnects us from our-Selves. Our bodies are part of our-Selves. Our bodies are how we present our-Selves to the world. Our bodies are from where we relate to other people. Our bodies are also what enable us to experience our thoughts, feelings and experiences through our five senses. And yet, by viewing them as objects which need to be changed to fit society’s ideals and expectations, it’s easy to lose sight of, or to lose touch with, the true value and meaning of our bodies; as experiential containers of our Selves.

In modern Britain, it’s almost an accepted norm that women especially, but increasingly men too, will be weight and body conscious, or on some kind of restricting diet in order to mould themselves into an ‘ideal’ shape constructed by the media and society. It seems that many people are more concerned with what society and our culture tell us about how we should look than with listening to their own Selves, to their own bodies. And this is where disordered eating can begin to creep in as people lose touch with their body’s own hunger signals in their attempts to mould their body to fit these ideals. Our bodies, if we learn how to listen clearly to them will tell us what we need to eat. Our bodies, if we listen to them and satisfy their physiological hunger will settle at a weight that’s right for them; very difficult to achieve though in a culture which prizes thinness, and often thinness to a point below the natural weight of many women.

Our modern Western world is still based on a patriarchal system where the masculine is prized over the feminine. The masculine principles of individuality, rational thought, autonomy and independence are prized above the feminine principles of intuition, feelings and emotion. A spiritual theory of eating disorders views eating disorders as a ‘Spiritual Hunger’, as a woman’s disconnection from her Self, her Inner Goddess and her inner feminine as a result of trying to fit into this Western world. People with eating disorders tend to have highly developed masculine principles to the detriment of their feminine and spiritual side which shows itself both in their character traits and their determination to eliminate their physical feminine body.

The accepted female shape, or what is considered ‘attractive’ has changed considerably over time. In past centuries, and even today in other cultures, female bodies are valued and worshipped for the amazing vessels which they are; bodies which nourish and create life. This statue, the ‘Venus of Willendorf’ from Palaeolithic times illustrates these changes.

The idea of woman as a goddess, prevalent in ancient times, has been lost in our society, and today instead, we’re fed images of often
painfully, or unrealistically, thin models to aspire to. A healthy

woman’s body is meant to contain a percentage of fat (between 21% and 36%, compared to 10% and 25% for men), it’s meant to be curvy to house her internal organs and prepare her for nurturing children. A female curvy body with rounded stomach, thighs and hips were once valued and worshipped. Yet today, women strive to eliminate all such curves; and by doing so disconnect themselves from their full experiencing of them-Selves and their experience of living as a woman in a woman’s body.

This blog post can also be found on Camel's Hump Blog ...http://camelshump.co.uk/2011/12/06/is-the-body-just-an-object/

Giving the researcher a voice: a conference presentation

Earlier this week, I presented a paper at York St John University's 6th Annual Research Methodologies Conference.  Please click the following link to view my Powerpoint slides and read a version of my verbal presentation .... http://www.box.com/s/ilj434q3a951eqo1oe86

The presentation is essentially about how the way in which I am carrying out my PhD research has progressed. As I have gotten more and more involved in my research, I have increasingly recognised that research does not always have to be positivist or objective.  Especially within the Social Sciences, where people are the subject of the research, objectivity is not so possible.  Also, because my research topic is one with which I have intimate connections, I have found it increasingly impossible to keep myself at the objective distance required of positivist research paradigms.

I discovered that my own history, knowledge, and experience (personal and professional) were yielding invaluable sources of data, and I want to find a way to incorporate all of this into my research ... hence the 'reflexivity' and 'autoethnography' which this presentation discusses.

Currently in my 4th year of a part-time PhD at York St John University, my research is entitled ... "Every body has a voice: the impact on the counsellor's embodied subjectivity when working with clients presenting with eating disorder symptomatology"

Anorexia as an autism spectrum disorder?

After writing my blog earlier this week about Asperger’s Syndrome, I was intrigued when I opened my newly delivered copy of the European Eating Disorders Review journal on Thursday (Vol. 19, Issue 6, Nov-Dec 2011) to see the first article entitled; “Is anorexia nervosa a version of autism spectrum disorders?”  The research essentially highlights similarities in cognitive functioning between people diagnosed with anorexia and those with an autism spectrum disorder.

Reading this article has led me to see what other research I could find about this link so I could think about the possibility for myself.  My earlier blog was inspired by my thinking about someone close to me and my struggle to understand them.  This new angle has now made me revisit some of my understandings about myself; as someone who was once diagnosed with anorexia.  In my earlier blog, I noted that I saw some traits of Asperger’s within myself … where does this new information leave me with my understanding of myself?  And of my relationship with this other person?

There isn’t a great deal of research to be easily found, but what I have found, I’ve written about, under the heading of ‘So what has the research out there told me?’ below.  For people not interested in reading the details of the research or my reactions to it, I’ve written ‘My Own Thoughts’ on the possible link immediately below …

My Own Thoughts

Reading the research was initially another ‘light bulb’ moment of enlightenment for me.  I thought; “Yes, I can see the links; makes a lot of sense to me!”  Anorexia definitely shares some of its traits with autism spectrum disorders, and more specifically the Asperger’s end of the spectrum (see bullet-point list below for comparative examples).  When I was ‘anorexic’ I would have satisfied a lot of the Asperger’s traits to quite a high degree … as would most anorexics.  Strange to think that at that time, I could probably have satisfied an Asperger’s diagnosis … and yet, that definitely wasn’t my experience; I was Anorexic.

And now, no longer anorexic, I can still see my tendency towards those traits (as I’m sure many people who haven’t experienced eating difficulties can!) but my increased self-acceptance and self awareness enable me to use those traits in a constructive and life-enhancing way.  With anorexia, there is a way forward … helping the individual work through their need to control food and / or their body and enabling them to gain weight.  The physiological effects of starvation create and / or exacerbate these same traits, so someone with anorexia whose weight drops significantly will display them, but once their weight rises out of the ‘danger zone’ the traits diminish.   The individual with a diagnosis on the autism spectrum disorder does not ‘recover’ … they might learn ways of managing their life effectively to compensate for their autistic / aspergic traits, but they can’t recover in the same way as many people with anorexia can, and do.

Seeing the similarities, has helped me understand how easily I related to, & connected so deeply with, someone in my life with Asperger’s … I was seeing parts of myself there.  I could understand that other person’s way of thinking, their way of being in the world … because I’d been there myself.  And although I’m no longer there to a significant extent, I do still have the understanding I gathered as a result of my time spent in that anorexic-aspergic world, making it so much easier for me to effectively relate to, and with, someone with Asperger’s.

If there are links between anorexia and autism spectrum disorders, it opens a lot of questions as to how we currently help people with anorexia.  Most treatment currently focuses on challenging the anorexic thinking and behaviour, exploring reasons behind the behaviour to find what purpose it serves for the individual and either resolving those underlying issues or helping them find more effective coping strategies, and exploring their relationship with food and their bodies to encourage a healthier way of relating.  However, if it was the case that anorexia had a neurobiological component, like autism spectrum disorders, therapy wouldn’t improve the condition to any significant degree.

And like myself, many people who have been anorexic move into Bulimia, which encompasses many different personality traits.  The individual with bulimia loses some of their perfectionism, their ability to maintain control or to focus on the minutia.  They often feel at the mercy of their emotions whereas anorexics and those on the autism spectrum are less able to experience or recognise such swings in emotion.

I’m not sure … there may be links, but I’d like to see some more definitive research before I wholeheartedly endorse the idea.  Yes, I think the two ‘conditions’ display a number of similarities, but I’m not convinced they’re part of the same ‘disorder’ … I’d be happy to be proved wrong though!  

The research does seem to indicate a higher than normal prevalence of autism spectrum disorders within diagnosed anorexics than in the general population, but for me, this doesn’t prove the link.  Instead it makes sense to me that females on the  autism spectrum (diagnosed or not), because of the cultural imperative to be thin in modern Western society and hence control eating and body weight / shape, are probably more likely to turn to anorexic behaviour as a coping mechanism.

As someone currently working with people with anorexia, and with a past anorexic diagnosis, I think the recognition of these links is important in that it has helped me gain yet again, a deeper understanding of Anorexia and also of Asperger’s, which can only be a good thing…

So what has the research out there told me?

In previous research in 2007, Professor Janet Treasure (professor of psychiatry at the Institute of Psychiatry, King’s College, London, and a recognised ‘authority’ on eating disorders) suggested two aspects of the link between anorexia and autistic spectrum traits.  The first is that because of their propensity for black and white thinking, needing to feel in control and an obsession with rules and systematic thinking, girls on the autism spectrum are more likely to be drawn into the controlled world of anorexia.  Having rules to follow around eating affords them the safety and control they enjoy.  The second link comes from the physiological changes brought about as a result of the effects of starvation on the body, which echo and exaggerate the autistic traits.  The effects of starvation on the brain include impaired cognitive functioning, a tendency to think in black and white terms, a focus on themselves and an increasing difficulty in reading other people … all common traits of those on the autism spectrum.

There seems to be a higher prevalence of autism spectrum disorder in those diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa than in the general public; a study reported by Janet Treasure in 2007 claimed 1 in 5 anorexics met the criteria for an autism spectrum disorder and Tony Atwood (a recognised ‘expert’ on Asperger’s), also in 2007, reported between 18% & 23% of anorexic teenage girls meeting some or all of the criteria for Asperger’s Syndrome.  The prevalence rate for all autistic spectrum disorders in the general population is estimated to be around 1%.  For me, as written above, this simply indicates that females with an autism spectrum disorder are more likely than the general population to use anorexia as a way of attempting to deal with their personality traits.  Or that girls who develop anorexia typically share many of the autism spectrum disorder traits and their anorexic behaviour and physiological changes it brings about exacerbates these same traits.

One area in which Janet Treasure links anorexia with autism spectrum disorders is from a neurobiological basis.  It has been established that autism spectrum disorders result from atypical neurological processing (the brain processing information in a different way from the person not on the autism spectrum) and Treasure has proposed that anorexia results in part from this neurobiological level.  This is an interesting concept as it impacts on the current understanding of eating disorders being more socio-culturally influenced.  It consequently has huge implications for how we work with people presenting with anorexia.  There appears to be, as yet, no definitive research to confirm or disprove this theory.

For myself, the following similarities when they were first highlighted to me were what excited me and made me think that maybe a link between the two ‘conditions could be possible. Common symptoms shared between people with a diagnosis of anorexia and those on the autism spectrum include…

• Obsessive or compulsive behaviour
• A tendency towards perfectionism with the individual having a need to do things perfectly or completely
• Reduced ability to see, and think about, self-identity and connections with others
• Difficult empathising
• A tendency towards focusing on minute details, and therefore, an inability to see the bigger picture 
• Difficulty with multi-tasking or switching between ideas and tasks
• A lack of flexibility in their thinking, which makes coping with changes in plans or routines very difficult and stressful
• A like of routine
• Difficulty in negotiating, and coping with, life changes
• Ritualised eating, food preparation, or exercise routines
• Increased incidence of anxiety and depression

However, as discussed above, people diagnosed with anorexia are able to move away from these rigid patterns as they ‘recover’ … unlike those with an autism spectrum diagnosis … unless, the individual experiencing anorexia actually has a co-morbid autism spectrum diagnosis.

Another similarity which intrigued me, because I wasn’t aware of it, and which again, highlights a physiological element to anorexia is that both individuals diagnosed with anorexia and those on the autism spectrum have lower levels of Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone involved in social recognition, the ability to empathise, bonding and sexual arousal; all of which may be impaired in these two categories of people. 

Anorexia has been called the female Asperger’s … Professor Christopher Gillberg, writing in 2005 suggested that autism spectrum disorders may be overlooked in girls as they present in different ways than with males; for example, anorexia, and it may be easy to overlook the possibility of an autism spectrum diagnosis when the presenting symptoms are indicating anorexia.  As I wrote above, for me it seems likely that females on the  autism spectrum (diagnosed or not), because of the cultural imperative to be thin in modern Western society and hence control eating and body weight / shape, are probably more likely to turn to anorexic behaviour as a coping mechanism.

I’m always happy to have my current ways of thinking challenged (doesn’t that statement itself ‘prove’ how far I’ve moved away from an anorexic / aspergic way of thinking!?!) and for me, challenging my beliefs, allows me to question them and to look around them and decide if I really do still believe them as they stand.  It allows me to adapt and expand my understandings and ways of thinking about things and to see a bigger picture as more relevant research emerges. I suspect that this will be an area of research I keep a close eye on …

What is this thing we call 'counselling'?

I've just rediscovered this 'information sheet' I wrote earlier this year, & thought I'd share it on here. It gives a very brief overview of counselling & some of the different approaches available ...

Counselling

When might counselling help?

If anything is troubling you in your life, counselling can provide a safe, accepting, confidential place in which you can talk about your concerns. People talk about a wide range of things in counselling, including; drug use, eating problems, bereavement, family issues, relationship problems, sexual assault or childhood sexual abuse, other forms of childhood abuse, work related concerns, sexuality and much more.

What is counselling and how does it work?

Counselling allows you the opportunity to sit down with a trained professional and explore your thoughts, feelings and emotions about the situation you find yourself in. The counsellor will offer a safe and accepting place in which you can talk about yourself and any concerns you may have. The counsellor will not judge you, or anything you say, but will instead allow you to explore the thoughts and feelings you may be having which you maybe don’t want to share with friends or family.

By talking about yourself and your experiences in a safe place and having what you say heard and listened to carefully you may find that the influence of those experiences on your life begins to lessen. The process of sharing your thoughts and feelings can be very helpful in enabling you to make sense of yourself and your life. Sharing things with a counsellor who you can trust not to judge you and who isn’t part of your usual circle of friends can be a healing experience in itself.

We don’t often get the opportunity to sit down and talk about ourselves in such a focussed way. Having your experiences and yourself listened to in such an accepting way by someone else can help you begin to feel better about yourself. And this in turn can help you begin to like and accept yourself more, which leads to improved self-esteem and self-confidence.

Counsellors tend not to give advice or tell you what to do, and will instead enable you to make your own decisions about what you need to do. In this way, you learn to trust yourself more and learn how to empower yourself to live your life more effectively.

Counsellors will reflect back to you some of the things they hear you say; hearing your words reflected back by someone else can sometimes help you hear them in a different way which can change the way you understand them or think and feel about yourself. Sometimes too, just hearing yourself tell your story out-loud and the process of having to think about it clearly in order to tell it to someone else can help you make clearer sense of it for yourself.

Counsellors may also ask you questions or offer you exercises and activities to help you explore your thoughts and feelings in a different way. Sometimes we can get stuck in unhelpful ways of thinking which leave us feeling unhappy or unfulfilled. The counsellor’s questions can help you challenge these ways of thinking and find more effective ways of viewing yourself and your situation which will enable you to make changes in your life.

Working together with you like this, the counsellor is aiming to help you develop a clearer understanding of yourself and your life and to help you decide upon any changes you wish to make to help you live more happily.

The counselling process

Counselling sessions tend to last between 50 minutes and one hour, depending on how the counsellor works. They usually happen on a weekly or fortnightly basis because counselling is a process which you need to engage in regularly in order to get best results. Once you’ve talked about something in a session, it’s helpful if you think about the things you’ve talked about in the time between sessions. In this way, you are beginning to make changes to yourself and your life which you can discuss with your counsellor at your next appointment.

At the first session, the counsellor will discuss the “counselling contract” or “counselling agreement” with you. This will set out what you can expect from your counselling and will include things like the counsellor’s confidentiality policy, how often you will be seen, how many sessions you are entitled to, what happens if you miss sessions, etc. In the first session, the counsellor will give you the opportunity to tell your story and talk about your hopes or what you wish to achieve from counselling. They may also carry out a formal assessment, looking at things including your history, your support systems, your current life situation and any risk factors (things like excessive alcohol use, drug use, self-harm or suicidal intent). This first session gives both you and the counsellor the opportunity to decide if counselling is the most appropriate service for you.

The first session also gives you the opportunity to find out if you feel comfortable with the counsellor. The relationship which you develop with them is an important part of the process and you need to feel comfortable with the person you are choosing to work with; after all, you're going to talking to them about personal, precious, private, and sometimes painful things.

Accessing counselling

Counselling is offered by a number of organisations, depending upon which services you are accessing. This counselling is very often free, although some organisations may charge a fee. You can also be referred to counselling within your GP surgery, which is free. Private counsellors also offer counselling, although you will need to pay for this.


Different styles of counselling

There a number of different approaches to counselling and different counsellors work in different ways. Below are details of four of the most common approaches used. Some counsellors work purely from one particular model, whilst others may integrate skills and techniques from a number of approaches, and call themselves ‘Integrative’ or ‘Eclectic.’ It can be useful to talk to your counsellor about how they work so that you can understand a little bit about their approach and how you will be working together.

Person Centred

Person Centred counsellors work from the belief that clients are the experts in their own life and have all of their own answers inside. The approach is non-directive which means that the counsellor will not give you advice or tell you what to do in any way. They will follow your lead, believing that you, as the client will bring to counselling those things which are most pressing for you to explore. This also encourages you to learn to take responsibility for yourself, by teaching you to decide what is most important to you. The counsellor will help you explore the issues you take to counselling to help you find more effective ways of understanding your situation or living your life.

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

The underlying belief of CBT is that the thoughts we have influence our behaviour and how we act. By helping you to take more notice of the thoughts you are having, the therapist will help you find ways of challenging and changing your unhelpful thoughts to more helpful ones. With these more effective ways of thinking in place, you can then choose to change your behaviours to help you live more effectively.

Psychodynamic

Psychodynamic counsellors will help you explore the impact your unconscious and your past experience is having on your current life situation. As children, we learn beliefs, values and behaviours from the adults around us and how they treat us and other people. Sometimes when we grow up the things we learned in childhood prevent us from being happy or living our lives effectively. By exploring where our beliefs originate from, we can then find ways to challenge and change them to more effective beliefs which fit more easily with the adult we have become. Psychodynamic therapists also believe that we often respond to people and situations in our current lives in ways which remind us of past experiences and relationships. This may occur in the counselling relationship and the therapist will observe how you interact with them, with the aim of assisting you to find more effective ways of relating to people in the present.

Gestalt

Gestalt therapists focus on the whole of the client’s experience. They will encourage you to gain self awareness and understanding of your behaviours by encouraging you to talk about yourself. They will focus on your body language (the unconscious movements you make as you talk), which can often give clues as to how you are thinking or feeling. The Gestalt therapist may encourage you to act out scenarios or explore your dreams in order to enable you to become more aware of your unconscious thought processes. Bringing your unconscious gestures and thoughts to awareness allows you to make more effective choices about your beliefs, behaviours and ways of living.

All Cats (& Humans) Have Asperger Syndrome

I’ve ‘stolen’, and adapted, this blog title from a wonderful book by Kathy Hoopmann called “all cats have asperger syndrome” (published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers). In it, she illustrates many of the typical asperger’s traits with wonderful pictures of cats; some sweet, some amusing, some sad, many thoughtful, but all of which highlight the experiences of many people with Asperger Syndrome.


Asperger’s Syndrome is something I’ve become interested in recently. To help me better understand someone I suspected was affected by it, I began researching the subject, and as I’ve read more and more about the syndrome, it has continued to fascinate me. Although I know I don’t have Asperger’s myself, I do recognise a number of so-called Asperger’s traits in my own thinking and behaviour; as I’m sure many of us would! And to my mind, that’s no bad thing, as some of the traits are highly positive.

So often, once someone is given a label (‘Asperger’s’ in this case), it immediately makes other people think differently about them, and to begin to see them as someone odd, or someone to be pitied or avoided, ridiculed or seen as a victim. And yes, some conditions bring their own problems, but what gets forgotten about is that there is still a person inside; a person who deserves to be treated and viewed in the same way as ‘neurotypical’ people (ie: people without Asperger’s / Autism) or as they were before being given the diagnosis.

Asperger’s is on the high end of the Autism spectrum and people with Asperger’s are often highly intelligent people. They often struggle with human interactions and communication, not being able to empathise with other people as easily as ‘neurotypical’ people. And this can cause problems in relationships and friendships … especially if either party is not aware of the possibility of Asperger’s. They can be very honest; telling things exactly as they are … which can be quite difficult to be on the receiving end of, if you’re not used to that level of brutal honesty. They are often very black & white in their thinking and are unable to see any shades of grey. They often have very high morals and standards and may find it difficult to appreciate that not everyone else lives up to their standards. They sometimes find intimacy difficult, although some people with Asperger’s can be extremely affectionate. They also often experience high levels of sensory awareness, which can make it difficult for them to cope in some situations. There are a whole host of traits linked to Asperger’s and, just like neurotypical people, every person with Asperger’s is unique and will have their own mix of traits and level to which they are impacted.

Quite often, those people with Asperger’s aren’t aware that they are experiencing it. It wasn’t fully recognised until the mid 1980’s and so a lot of adults today have grown up experiencing Asperger’s without it ever being recognised or diagnosed, as it increasingly is in childhood today. They’ve maybe had a sense of feeling ‘different’ or ‘apart’ from others, or maybe they’ve felt misunderstood, or have struggled to understand why other people have not understood them … these can all be common experiences of Asperger’s.

… and may be what initially brings the person with Asperger’s into counselling. This is where I think an awareness of Asperger’s is essential for counsellors, because someone with the syndrome may not necessarily be able to engage in counselling in the way that we would expect. As a counsellor, my research has made me even more aware of how I may need to adapt my communication and language patterns if I was working with someone with Asperger’s. And it may be that some clients who have proven difficult to work with, or who have struggled with the concept of counselling, may have had some level of Asperger’s. It’s certainly something which I bear in mind now.

Asperger’s is a neurological developmental disorder, which essentially means the individual’s brain works differently from those of us who are neurotypical. It is often confused as being a ‘mental illness’, which it very much isn’t. Therapy or medication will not ‘cure’ Asperger’s … it’s simply a description of how their brain works. Therapy can however, still be useful as a venue for the individual to explore their experiences in the same way as any other person.

I love the diversity of human beings, and for me, those with Asperger’s traits can be unique and interesting people … as can we all.

A Process of Change

As a counsellor, my day to day life with clients revolves around change. I’m in a very privileged position of being able to facilitate, experience, and observe a range of change processes all unique to each individual client. But I often wonder exactly how change occurs in a person. I’m aware of various theories of change which I’ve learned about over the years, and on an abstract level, I understand them … but what happens on a concrete level?

I’m very aware that I myself am currently moving through a change process. And yet as I write, I’m aware that life itself is a continuous change process, and I’m wondering what’s different between the process I feel I’m going through just now compared to the day to day changes that life inevitably endows on us?

Some change processes are deliberately instigated, and I guess counselling clients fit into this category. They’re aware that something doesn’t feel right within themselves or their life and so they actively seek out therapy in order to initiate some kind of change. Other change processes are bestowed upon us by life circumstances, not necessarily of our own making. For example, the partner who unexpectedly leaves, the loved one who dies, the job that is lost, the chronic or terminal illness that is diagnosed. When big things like this happen to us, we inevitably have to go through a significant personal change process in order to adapt to our life with its changed circumstances. Our way of thinking, or being in the world, sometimes has to change … and that’s not always an easy process to negotiate.

But change is inevitable, and I think my sense of my current change process could be more accurately defined as a growth or development process. I’ve been working on my PhD for almost three years now, and my ways of thinking about, and understanding my topic have immeasurably expanded. My private practice is expanding and I have lots of other business ideas to begin to put into practice, most of which have grown out of my research. Over the duration of my PhD to date, a number of things have happened in my personal life, both positive and negative. People have come into, and left my life; every one of which has left some kind of mark on me. I’ve engaged in various training courses, which have expanded my knowledge and skills base and have hopefully enabled me to become a more effective therapist.

As I reflect, I think my current perceived change process is a culmination of my life’s journey over the last three years. I have a sense of things coming together, and although I know I’m not there yet, I have an inner confidence that everything (and everyone) in my life is exactly where it’s meant to be at this time. It still feels a bit chaotic for me, and I find myself grappling with countless thoughts whirring around inside my mind. But I know I’m making sense of everything. My emotions cycle through excitement, despair, joy, frustration, peace, anger, hope, loss, happiness, sadness and many more besides. I’ve learned though to simply allow my emotions to be, to experience them, to let them flow through me and to accept them as part of myself and my current process that I need to go through. Blocking the emotions would mean blocking the process.

Emotions and feelings can be very difficult to tolerate sometimes, and it’s easy to try to block them out or to hide away from them using avoidance strategies or substances. But for all of us, the only way we can effectively move forwards and learn and grow is to allow ourselves to experience the full depth of our emotions and feelings. This can only lead to a richer experience of life as we work through feelings, learn how to tolerate the painful ones and find ways to grow and develop as a person. People who, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to work through these feelings are often the people for who life doesn’t seem to change much.

Change at times, can be very uncomfortable and disorientating. Even when we know it’s a change which is ultimately going to benefit us, it’s difficult to step outside of one’s comfort zone and begin to put in place, or allow, the changes that need to occur. But for growth and movement through life, change, and some degree of discomfort is inevitable.

I’m very aware that for my clients, change is often uncomfortable or frightening, and as I’ve already said, it’s a privilege to witness someone else’s struggle and eventual breakthrough. My personal change journey takes place outside of the counselling room, but my experience and reflection on that experience is what ensures that I understand the kinds of journeys, feelings, thoughts and emotions that clients experience.

A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

I recently had the experience of someone entering my life and making a huge impact on me; this person didn’t stay in my life for very long, but I know they touched my soul in a significant way. The day after they left, I felt like my world had changed for ever … and consequently, that I had too. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation; quite the opposite in fact. I felt a sense of privilege at having shared some of my life and my self with this person and an ever greater sense of privilege at knowing how deeply they had touched me. Chances are, I’ll never see this individual again, but I know I’ll never forget them, and I’ve since experienced a real deep sense of inner peace knowing that they were ‘meant’ to enter, and leave, my life exactly when, and how, they did.

It’s amazing how some people can come into our lives and touch us deeply … and quite often, they are the people who are there for just a short period of time. Sometimes it’s just a one-off conversation one has with a stranger on a train, in a coffee shop, maybe standing in a queue; but somehow, that brief connection is so timely, so significant, that a life or a person can be changed.

I guess, to a degree, this can be said to be true of the counselling relationship. It may not be a chance encounter and the client has actively sought out the counsellor, but it’s still a unique relationship in which two individuals come together, hopefully for good. And many clients find that their experience of the counselling relationship changes them forever too.

The relationships which we have with everybody who enters our life are significant and each brings with it its own uniqueness. Some are intense and can teach us a lot. Some are easy relationships, some are difficult. Some are brief, others a lifelong. But relationship is what enables us to truly experience ourselves.





I’ve copied the passage below, because it sums up a lot of what I’ve been thinking about recently, in terms of relationships and the people who come, go, and leave, our lives …


"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realise is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

Author Unknown

Time Passes

I can’t believe so much time has passed since I last wrote in here … it’s amazing how time can just run away from one at times. And then I tried to publish this last night, but I was unable to publish it, which was hugely frustrating ... I've since been on a journey around various web forums to try to find out what was going & to see what I could do! But after a little bit more frustration and further delay, here I am back!!

My life has been a bit hectic recently, both personally and professionally, hence me just not having enough time to write in here … but even I hadn’t realised quite how long it’s been. This is just a quick entry to get me back on track, to get my voice back and I’m intending to get back into the habit of writing regularly in here … because I’ve missed it. I have often thought about writing, and I have had a number of ideas for entries, which I can hopefully get written in the near future.

In some ways I’m disappointed in myself because I haven’t been disciplined enough to make the time. But that then makes me think that time is a funny thing … we talk about ‘making’ it, ‘wasting’ it, ‘filling’ it, we talk about time ‘passing’, time ‘running away’ with us, etc. etc. And I do wonder what I’ve been doing with mine recently. Yes, I’ve been busy, but I do think I’ve maybe not been using all of my time as constructively as I could have done … and that’s what leaves me feeling disappointed and frustrated with myself. I think I’ve got so many things I want to fit into my time that sometimes I just grind to a halt because it feels impossible to fit everything in … and then nothing gets done.

I’m at a time in my life where I really need to reorganise myself and everything in my life. It’s time to prioritise both the people and the things within it, maybe let go of some things and shift others around. It’s a time where I have to decide what’s most important to me and what will best help me move forward from here, to my future.

Table Set For Two ... a dagger right in the heart of the soul …

The current focus on the Royal Wedding and the love between two newly married people has made me think of the opposite experience … that of loneliness and being alone in life.

Not everyone is lucky enough in life to meet their prince or princess; to get their fairy-tale ending, or even beginning. And a life filled with loneliness and yearning can be one of the most painful, empty and isolating ways to be.

Research shows the importance of human-to-human touch like that only experienced in intimate relationships. Both the physical and emotional development of babies who aren’t held and touched enough is stunted. Adults, deprived of physical touch can develop depression … without intimate or affectionate touch and connection, the world can be a very lonely place. We all need affection and loving touch.

I’ve counselled a number of people over the years struggling with loneliness and the heartache of a life lived alone. Some people I’ve worked with have maybe had brief relationships which haven’t developed, others have maybe yearned for men / women who didn’t want them, and others have simply never experienced a relationship in any form. I’ve counselled women in their late forties, fifties and sixties, who, have not only missed out on the experience of love, but as a result have also lost the opportunity to become a mother. And to sit with someone in the full depth of their regret, questioning and heartache can be particularly moving and challenging.

Why? … Clients question what was / is it about me that’s prevented love coming into my life? What did I do wrong? Why has no one wanted to love me? What’s so wrong with me that no one’s wanted to love me? … And these are questions which simply can’t be answered. But these are also questions which leave the individual questioning their own self worth and value. They’ve watched everyone else around them fall in love, watched other people have successions of relationships maybe, and yet they’re still on their own … and it seems that they can’t help but think that it must be something they’re doing wrong. There must be something wrong with them that no one wants to love them.

Watching other people happy in relationships, sharing loving gestures, looks & touches can be painful for those people on their own. Some people prefer a life alone, and that’s fine, but for those who yearn for deep connection with another human being watching the intimate happiness of others can cut to the core. A kind of envy; not jealous of the couple in love, but a yearning to have their own special someone in their life. Watching other people is a reminder of everything they don’t have; a mirror of their loneliness and empty heartache.

The lonely person will often appear to be busy, filling their life doing things an attempt to fill the void inside. But no matter how much ‘stuff’ people are engaging in, filling their life with, none of that can take away the yearning inside. At times, the busyness, just emphasises the emptiness when the individual pauses and realises that they’re still on their own. No matter how significant the achievement in the external world, it can’t compensate for the empty hole at the core of their internal world.

Love is at the heart of human life, and to feel that no one has ever wanted to love you, or that the person you love no longer loves you is a dagger right in the heart of the soul …

As I was writing this, a song of mine, which I wrote many, many years ago came to mind … its lyrics describe the loneliness experienced after a love affair ends…


Table Set For Two
(© Sharon Cox, Nov 1992)


I can hear my beating heart,
Cutting through the silence.
What can I do to ease the pain that comes
From the tears that fall in defiance.
If somebody new knocked upon my door,
Would I be free to let them inside?
Why does it feel that I’m trapped within a grave;
Tell me, how can I be saved?

Now the time is getting late,
I sit abandoned at the table.
I long for someone to hold me in his arms,
Like an infant in a cradle.
I stare at the table; still set for two,
And watch the candle flame grow dim.
Just like the fire, my dreams went up in smoke;
Now, they haunt me like a ghost.

This world was made for partners in crime,
Everywhere’s a table set for two.
I don’t know how I will survive;
I’m lonely at this table set for two.

See the plates; they’re empty now.
Just like the vacant hole that fills me.
I don’t know if I’ll ever love again,
Or even if I’ll want to.
All my life, love’s brought only pain,
Tell me why it’s been so cruel.
Maybe it’s me, but I don’t understand,
Perhaps, I’ve just been a fool.

... to embrace the feminine

Immersing myself in the concept of my new website, ‘Embodying Change’, I’ve been reflecting on when the holistic, embodied experience first caught my interest. I’ve been aware for many years of the limitations of talking therapy … as someone who is naturally intellectual, I’ve always had a tendency to intellectualise things and try to understand everything via words with my rational, conscious mind. I realised though that this wasn’t always effective in understanding myself or trying to bring about personal change. I then discovered the importance of bypassing the intellectual level (the ego) and accessing the unconscious via creative ways of exploring and working … which has proved hugely beneficial for me.


And what this reflection has brought to mind for me is a workshop I participated in a number of years ago … it was a weekend workshop facilitate by Natalie Rogers (daughter of Carl Rogers, the ‘founder’ of Person Centred Therapy) based on her ‘Creative Connection’ process of therapy.

Across the weekend, we engaged in a variety of creative ways of connecting with our Selves, our bodies, and thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories, and our unconscious. Natalie facilitated us in using dance, drama, our voices, guided visualisations, story-telling, metaphor and the use of various art methods (drawing, painting, collage, sculpture) to explore the issues arising for us across those 3 days.


For me again, it was the power, or knowing insistence of my unconscious which amazed me. Someone I loved dearly had very recently died and consciously I’d expected to find myself accessing and illustrating those very present and raw feelings … however, my unconscious had other plans …

As each exercise led into the next one, I realised that the things I was creating in art form and accessing via my bodily expression were all about my sense of self as a woman … and more specifically, my sense of self as a women within my own female body. Prior to this weekend, and as a woman with a history of eating distress, this was something I hadn’t fully appreciated; to begin to access this acceptance and appreciation was hugely significant and symbolic for me.

Many people living with eating disorders live at a distance from their bodies. They become disconnected and aren’t able to easily access their embodied experience. The body becomes a separate thing, an object, to hate or to change or sculpt into a more acceptable (for the individual) shape or size.

Towards the end of the weekend, Natalie facilitated a sculpture creating exercise with clay. Using guided visualisation, we were invited to work with a piece of clay, moulding and sculpting it into whatever shape or form was right for us. This was all done with our eyes closed, so we could engage fully with the clay in our hands, fully experience it and allow our unconscious to guide us in our creation.

As we paused in the exercise and were invited to open our eyes, I was surprised to recognise the distinct shape of a womb, fallopian tubes and ovaries. With my eyes close, I’d had no conscious idea as to what I was creating. And of course, the sculpture fitted completely with the rest of the things I’d produced earlier in the weekend.

We were then invited to re-engage with our sculpture. I’m not sure now, but I think this part of the exercise was done with music playing in the background. As I worked in a trance-like state, I was amazed to watch my hands re-sculpt my creation slightly and work it into more of a heart shape with outstretched arms.


The final sculpture was, for me, very emotive. Not only did it seem an inevitable conclusion to the weekend’s exploration, but it also symbolised a significant state of self-acceptance for me, and of my body as a female body with all the privilege and magnificence that affords me. The (my) heart reaching out with arms open wide to embrace the feminine …

It was also yet another confirmation of my continued movement away from my earlier eating disorder. For many years (both before and during my eating disorder), a lot of my self-hatred and un-ease had been directed at my stomach, which, in my mind, was never flat enough. For many women, a rounded stomach is natural … a female stomach has to house the feminine reproductive system, the start of life. A female stomach naturally has a covering of body fat.

And I find it now so sad that many women fail to recognise this, especially those with eating disorders or body image concerns. For many women, their stomach remains a source of self-hatred … when really is should be a focus of self-love and a celebration of all that is feminine.

So not only was that weekend filled with huge personal significance for me and the privilege of working with Natalie Rogers, it also reinforced for me, the power of working in ways other than the verbal. Taking away words, bypassing my intellectual / conscious mind allowed me to access learnings I wasn’t aware were ready to be offered and integrated. And because those learnings came from my unconscious and were experienced and processed in non-verbal ways, through the engagement of my whole body in the exercises … those learnings were experienced in a very profound and embodied manner … in ways too profound and deep for me to express fully in words here …

Worlds colliding; worlds merging

I had an interesting dream a couple of nights ago when three distinct eras of my life all merged into one scenario. This dream has stayed with me and made me think about how different elements of our lives can all come together and lay the foundations for a new way of living or being …

Over the last few months, my life has felt like it was made up of three separate and distinct parts … my employed work within the NHS, my PhD and the current studying I’m doing around NLP. Recently, I’ve become aware as to how at least two of those parts are merging together and forming something new …

The learnings I’m taking away from NLP are feeding into my private practice and the work that I do with clients presenting with eating disorders and related issues. I’m seeing lots of possibilities for working with clients around weight loss and eating or body image issues incorporating various NLP techniques and approaches into my current understandings and ways of working. This, in turn, is feeding into my ideas for my new website, ‘Embodying Change,’ which will be live very soon...

And surprisingly, the world of NLP has collided and merged with my PhD world … Researching the topic of eating disorders and sharing my research with others, is ensuring that I’m increasingly becoming known (at least locally) as ‘an eating disorders specialist’. For a while, some time back, I decided I didn’t want to be known simply as an eating disorders specialist; I worried it might limit me. However, I’m increasingly recognising that my personal experience and understanding, combined with the vast amounts of literature I’m reading for my PhD, and the therapists I’m interviewing, are filling me with a unique & privileged mix of knowledge. And I want to share this with others …

Through people I’ve met connected with NLP, I’ve been invited to present at a conference next month in Newcastle where I’ll be talking about ‘effective change work with clients presenting with eating disorders.’ This is the inaugural conference of NCCCTC (Northern Changeworkers, Counsellors, Coaches & Therapists Conference; www.nccctc.co.uk) and it’s so exciting and feels like a huge privilege to have been asked to present at this conference.

It also feels like this is where, for me, the worlds of eating disorders, PhD and NLP all come together as one … it feels like this is where the separate parts of myself collide and merge. I have the opportunity to share my passion with others; to talk about eating disorders, embodied experience and how I work with clients. It’s a chance to share my knowledge and understanding which is continuously developing as I integrate counselling theories, NLP and hypnotherapy approaches, the experience of specialists I’m interviewing, books & articles I’m reading and my own personal interpretations. It’s also for me, where ‘Embodying Change’ takes its first breath in the world…

The coming month feels like a hugely exciting one for me … I’m presenting my academic research as a poster presentation at BACP’s Research Conference in Liverpool on 6th & 7th May, and then the following weekend (14th &15th May), I’m presenting at NCCCTC.

The importance of pets

I’ve been thinking today about how important pets can be for us. Earlier today I learned that a friend of mine had to have their dog put to sleep yesterday, and it’s reminded me of a time eighteen months ago when I had to take my cat, Scrumpy, to the vets and have her put to sleep …

It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever had to do. I was determined I was going to be the one to take her, and it was also important for me to make sure that I was in her line of vision as she died; I wanted to be the last thing she saw. As the vet and nurse held her and injected her, I crouched down next to the table and just looked into her eyes. Having those final seconds of eye contact just between the two of us ensured the rest of the world around me disappeared and I got to say my final goodbye to the little animal that had been there for me, and with me, for thirteen years. Seeing the light, and life, disappear from her eyes was so sad, so final.

For anyone who’s loved, and shared their life with an animal, their death can be heartbreaking. People often belittle the importance of pets and the significance of their death. It’s important to allow ourselves to grieve over our animals in the same way we would a person we loved. We do get attached to our animals and they do become like friends or part of our families, and consequently, it is okay to be sad, to hurt when they die. It is okay to miss them and mourn for them.

For people living on their own, pets can be vital company. Just to know there’s someone (in the shape of a furry little friend) depending on you, waiting for you to come home, can be hugely comforting. Just having another living creature in a house, can make that house feel more lived in. A house which has had a pet living in it, can suddenly feel very empty and cold when they’re no longer there.

It amazes me just what deep connections we can form with animals, if we spend the time nurturing them. In my experience of living with two gorgeous cats, first Scrumpy, and now Elsie, the relationship has definitely been a two way thing … I’m happy to provide all the food, comfort and safety they need (and probably a little bit more!), and in exchange, I’ve had the pleasure of their unconditional love. The pleasure of watching the antics which cats get up to, the pleasure of having a cat snuggle up with me on the sofa or in bed, the privilege of knowing that a little furry animal trusts me …

My life has definitely been enriched by the cats I’ve shared (and am still sharing) it with …

Embodying Change

Embodying Change is the name of my new website … it’s not yet up and running, although it is in its early stages of development. And this is my new logo …

This feels like such an exciting time for me. I’ve been involved with counselling and personal development for 12 years now, so it’s taken up a large chunk of my life, but it feels like only now that it’s all finally coming together in a unique way for me.

My PhD has led me down avenues I didn’t anticipate or expect, and not only has it informed my academic practice, it’s also had a hugely positive impact on both my therapeutic practice and my own understandings of my Self. I’ve also met some hugely influential people over the last few months, who, in various ways, have fed into these exciting new developments in my therapeutic work and myself.

I’ve become increasingly aware of the embodied nature of human beings. We all inhabit a body, and our bodies are how we present our-Selves to the world. Our bodies are also how we experience the world around us through our five senses, and also how, & where, we experience our internal feelings and sense of our Selves.

Both my therapeutic practice and my personal understanding of how people develop, change and grow, is becoming increasingly focused on the embodied experiencing of Self.

As therapists, we present ourselves to our clients through our physical bodies and they present themselves to us in, and through their bodies. My experience and research are increasingly highlighting the need to pay more attention to the bodies in the therapy room and to what, and how, those bodies are communicating to each other. In the world of talking therapy, it’s easy to focus on making sense of words and to forget about our bodies, and embodied sense of being.

For an individual to feel secure within themselves, I believe it’s vital that they feel comfortable within their own body; that they are able to allow feelings to emerge within their body and pay attention to those feelings. Our bodies have so much to tell us … if only we knew how to listen to them, and work with them.

My new website will have a focus on the embodied experience of everyone …
clients, therapists and individuals in general, and how that embodied sensing of self can lead to more effective therapeutic connection, personal understanding and change.

I look forward with such enthusiasm and excitement as to where the coming months take me and Embodying Change … this is only the start!

The Metaphorical Cake in the Oven

Metaphors can be hugely powerful when working with clients. Metaphors paint a visual image of how a client is feeling or experiencing themselves. And metaphors are unique to the individual who creates them.

I love working with the metaphors that clients describe. They can be very graphic and can help clients to explore their situations and feelings in a much more powerful way than simply with words. It’s good to assist clients in fully exploring their metaphors, helping them to describe them using all 5 senses … what do they see, taste, touch, smell and feel in relation to their metaphor. Whereabouts in space, or in their bodies do they ‘see’ their metaphor. Does their image change as you explore different aspects of it.

I’ve worked with some clients who find it difficult to put their thoughts and feelings into words; indeed words sometimes distract from someone’s true experience. I’ve had sessions in which I’ve had no idea what the client was metaphorically talking about, as all we’ve explored and played with was their metaphor.

I think we all think in metaphorical language, but aren’t always aware of it. And for me, it’s important to take the time to stop and explore our metaphors ... they hold such vital information for us.

This is particularly relevant for me today … I was sitting earlier and a thought came to me that I felt like I was a cake baking in the oven. I’ve been doing a lot of work this weekend around my PhD and preparation for conferences I’m presenting at in the near future around eating disorders, so the food related metaphor didn’t particularly surprise me. But when the image came to mind, I stopped and just allowed myself to fully experience it. I questioned what it meant, and was it a positive metaphor for me? And the conclusion I came to was that yes, it was … I’m especially busy right now, doing lots of things, bringing a lot of new ideas to fruition; and I realised that for a cake to be in the oven that meant that all of the ingredients were in there. They’d all been mixed together & had been put in the tin to bake. That was hugely reassuring for me, as it made me realise that I have all of the resources and skills I need; they’re all there inside of me, mixed together like the cake mix. And right now, just like that cake in the oven, I’m simply processing everything, allowing everything to germinate and cook. And soon, when the oven timer rings, the cake will be cooked and I’ll be a changed person. Like the cake, the ingredients will all be there, but cooking and processing changes the raw cake mix into an edible, much more useful and effective final product.


This metaphor also fits in with an experience I had a few weeks back when I had a real yearning to bake a New York style cheesecake. I gave in to that yearning, baked the cheesecake and felt the satisfaction of having created something so tasty from a selection of raw ingredients. Seems like my unconscious has been working on this cake / baking metaphor for a while!

It also brings to mind for me the metaphor commonly associated with pregnancy … the ‘bun in the oven.’ Maybe for me too, my current growth and change process is a bit like a pregnancy, growing the ideas inside of me until they’re ready to be born and introduced to the world.

We all have the raw ingredients inside of us to succeed … it’s learning how to mix them together most effectively and allowing them to cook, to be processed, which leads to effective and ongoing personal growth and change...