Dressing our Selves

I’m in the middle of a transition in my life and recently, I went out and bought some new clothes. Clothes which are more suited to the person I know I’m becoming. But I bought them, and then didn’t wear them. They went in the wardrobe … and stayed there. It was almost like I’d taken a step out into the new me, bought the clothes that the ‘new’ me would wear, and then got scared. The clothes went into the wardrobe, and I retreated into old ways of being, and wearing the comfortable, safe old clothes.


On some occasions over the last few weeks and months, those new clothes have been worn, but not for long. It’s like I’ve been trying out the ‘new’ me, trying it on for size for a day or two and seeing what it’s like to be out there in my new skin. And it’s been comfortable … at times. At other times, I’ve retreated and slipped back into the safety of the known.



I realised though that I was hiding both myself and the new clothes away … locking both away in the closet. So yesterday, I cleared out my wardrobe. I threw away lots of old clothes … including things I’d bought in the past and never worn … other ‘new’ Selves that never saw the light of day possibly? It was quite difficult to do. I wanted to hold on to many of them, but I decided, ‘no.’ I stepped into my idea of who I feel myself becoming, and any clothes, that that Self wouldn’t wear, were thrown away!

I got up this morning and laid out new clothes … and am wearing them today. And I’m now wondering if wearing the new clothes will help my new Self make its way into the world; a kind of unconscious encouragement.

I’m aware that the clothes I wear have changed significantly over the last few years, from hiding away in jeans and jumpers so as not to be noticed, to wearing skirts, leggings, bright colours and more shapely items; no longer feeling the need to keep my body under wraps and out of sight. No longer feeling the need to keep my Self hidden away. From trainers to wearing boots and heels … shoes that draw attention to me by the way they look or the noise they make when I walk.

And very often, with clients, I notice a change in the clothes that they wear during their counselling journey. Again, it’s often that transition from unremarkable clothes to brighter, more fitted styles as the individual’s Self comes to life and they feel more comfortable and confident about being visible and being seen in the world. Sometimes this is a slow process; for other clients, the change happens suddenly. I’ve had clients who, one week were wearing dowdy jeans or tracksuits, and no make up, and the next week, they’ve walked in with head held high, hair done, full make up and bright new clothes. And it’s always amazing, and such a privilege to see that change.

Although our clothes by no means make us who we are, it seems that they are a hugely important part of how we present ourselves to the world. The clothes we wear are an external expression of who and how, we feel inside. Often, when people are feeling bad about themselves, they don’t take as much care with their outward presentation; they don’t care enough about themselves to make the effort.

But it’s important not to make too many judgements about who a person is from the clothes that they wear as clothes can also be worn as a kind of mask to hide behind. I’ve worked with people with low self-esteem who don’t like the way they look, but they dress in a way which suggests confidence. Or they always ensure their hair, make up, nails, etc are perfect so as to present what they perceive as a positive image to the outside world. Other people are so comfortable with the person that they are, that their clothes and external appearance make no difference, and they never give their clothes a second thought.



And sometimes, we simply wear the clothes that are suitable for the task in hand … it would be no good wearing heels and a ball gown for hiking through the countryside!





It’s interesting to consider though the clothes we wear, and how those clothes change at different times of our lives. And also the types of clothes we wear for different occasions. Social etiquette tells us, for example, that we should dress smartly for weddings, wear black for funerals, suits and smart clothes for interviews and important meetings, etc., etc. I often wonder where those ‘rules’ came from, who wrote them, and why the majority of us choose to follow them.

But why should clothes be so important? It does seem that we judge each other on the clothes that we wear … but the clothes aren’t always a true mirror of the individual inside …although sometimes, and I guess more often than not, they are.

Lost and Adrift Between Selves

Personal growth or change is not always an easy process. Letting go of old ways of being and thinking can leave a void in an individual’s sense of themselves until they establish and integrate new ways of being. For a period of time, the individual can feel themselves lost and adrift between selves.

I think it’s important for us as therapists to remind ourselves of this sometimes. We work with clients, facilitating their growth and change and often, our focus, and that of clients’, remains purely on a positive outcome. But sometimes, to get to that outcome, a period and process of discomfort and instability needs to be experienced.

This is pertinent for me right now. I took a deliberate step onto a new path in my personal growth recently and have reached the point of feeling lost and adrift. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but with the experience and knowledge I have behind me, I can make sense of what is happening for me. I know that this sensation of not knowing who I am won’t last forever. I know that for me, this sensation means that I’ve let go of yet more past beliefs and ways of being that are no longer true for me. What I haven’t yet been able to do is fully grasp my new belief system and new way of being. But I do know, that that will come when the time is right. And so for me, uncomfortable as this time may be, I can also feel excited that a brand new me is about to spring into life … & I can look forward to meeting, becoming, and being, my new self.

It’s made me think though about clients who go through this process. Clients who don’t have the understanding and experience that I have. I imagine it could feel very unnerving; frightening even. They come to therapy in order to feel better about themselves, and yet sometimes, in order to reach that more congruent place, they need to go through a period of instability. And as therapists, we have to facilitate our client’s experience of themselves and living through this time.

It can be an unexpected experience for some clients, and sometimes too unsettling. The point of void can be a point of taking a big leap forward in to the future, or of retreat back into the past, and safe, established ways of being. But for everyone who stays with the process and comes through the other side, the rewards more than outweigh the dis-comfort … the sun begins to shine as the self sets sail on the next stage of its journey …

Forever Memories

What is it that makes some events implant themselves firmly in our memories forever?! … emotion, attachment, feelings, meanings, intensity, that ‘Wow factor’!?!

Last night I discovered some footage on YouTube of Wham!’s ‘The Final’ concert at Wembley Stadium on Saturday 28th June 1986. I was 13 years old, and yet that day is imprinted so vividly in my memory, it could have happened mere hours ago. I can still re-access so much of that day, even of the evening before and the day after … the images in my mind are bright and clear. The sounds associated with the various times are loud and clear. I can remember also, smells, tastes, feelings, thoughts and conversations I had on that day….

It was such a special day for me. My best friend and I had ‘loved’ Wham! for a while by then, and were both devastated (as only 13 year old girls can be!) by the news we’d heard that February that Wham! was splitting up. Tears and heartache ensued… tempered only by the announcement that they would play one final concert at Wembley Stadium. We were determined we would go. Neither of us had been to see a concert before, and for it to be such a significant concert, made it all the more special.

I remember us getting up early on Sunday 18th May 1986 and queuing up outside Newcastle City Hall for tickets. I don’t think I’d ever before experienced the intensity of happiness I felt that morning when I felt those tickets in my hand … I could hardly believe that I was going to Wembley to see George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley!!! The six weeks until the concert felt like an eternity … & I’m sure our friends at school felt it too as we counted down the days!

I still vividly remember the excitement and disbelief of the night before … tea at my house, before getting the bus up to Newcastle to catch the overnight coach to London … a sleepless night!! Arriving in London at 6am, impatient to just get to the Stadium. And being almost overwhelmed by the size of Wembley when we did get there. Of joining the queues of people already there … despite the doors not opening until 2pm. It was a scorching hot, sunny day, and we sat on the steps outside the Stadium in excited anticipation. My friend and I wandered around a bit, and each of us still remember watching a George Michael look-alike sitting eating a banana … the surrealness of it obviously making its mark in our brains for us both to remember.

And then finally, the gates were opened and we were part of a mad crush to get into the stadium … followed by a mad rush inside the stadium and across the pitch to find some seats. The impatience setting I, just wanting to see George and Andrew on that stage in from of us. First though, we had to sit through Nick Heyward (of Haircut 100) and Gary Glitter, before FINALLY, at 7.30pm there they were in front of us …

Teenage girls’ dreams come true… And wow!! What a concert it was for me! I loved every single second and as I’ve already said, so much of it is still imprinted in my memory … and I’m sure it will be forever. As vivid as if it was yesterday. I can close my eyes and still see that stage in front of me, still see George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley on it. I can still hear the sounds of their songs, of George Michael singing, of the audience singing, screaming and clapping. And that’s mine forever … better than any DVD can ever be, because it’s mine. And as well as the sights and sounds I’d get from a DVD, I have my emotions and feelings attached to it … and that’s what makes it so real, so vivid, and so precious.

I have no idea what’s triggered this memory for me right now, or what caused me to think to search for this concert clip on YouTube last night. But obviously, something in my unconscious had stirred something up for me. I’ve not thought about this concert for such a long, long time, but something led me to it again last night … maybe time will tell me what that was. Or maybe not.

Some things, important things stay with us forever. Our memories are precious. They’re unique to each of us and no one can ever take them away. Even when we’ve shared experiences and events with other people, our memories are unique … and that makes them extra special. We can re-access them whenever we want to. They’re ours forever.

I have lots of precious memories. Many happy, many sad, many with all kinds of other emotions attached to them. But they’re all precious. They’re all special. And they’re all unique to me. And all of those memories are a precious part of me and the experiences that I experienced when I made those memories have made me who I am today … without them, who would I be?

Who would any of us be without our memories?

Me, Myself, My Self and I

Who am I? Maybe one of the easiest, and paradoxically, most difficult questions to answer.

I’ve been thinking about the linguistic labels I use to describe myself recently. What words do I use to talk about myself, and when I use the 4 words / labels (?) of the title, am I talking about the same person?

We all have lots of ‘parts’ of ourselves, and I’ve been aware of many of my parts for some time. For example, there’s the counsellor in private practice, the counsellor in employment, the PhD student, workshop facilitator, and many, many more. We change our behaviours and ways of being depending on the people we’re with or the situation we’re in, and all of these differing ways of being can be different parts of our overall Self.

Until recently, I’d thought of “Me, Myself, My Self and I” as the same thing. I’d not even given it much conscious thought … until a friend of mine made me aware of my using these different ‘labels.’

My unconscious has still been working with, and for me, and shortly after 3am this morning, I woke up realising that ‘I’ is my persona. ‘I’ is who I present to the world. ‘I’ is the part of me that is often in conflict with my true way of being, the part of me which creates inner, and sometimes outer, conflict. It is the part of me with old introjected beliefs still present from my past; the beliefs I learned from others and made part of me. Swallowing those beliefs suffocated parts of my own belief system and caused them to retreat into my ‘Shadow Self’; a part of me separated and not in my conscious awareness.


('Shadow Self' ... taken March 2011)

‘Me’ is who I ‘truly’ am. ‘Me’ is my way of being when I’m living according to my own beliefs and am responding freely and spontaneously to my own experiencing. ‘Me’ is when I feel most at ease within myself, when I’m allowing myself to simply be. My Shadow Self is opening up and allowing consciousness to shine on all of the hidden aspects of me, enabling me to become a much more expansive, congruent individual.

My Self …. I’ve often broken down the word ‘myself’ like this. For me, this was in response to Carl Rogers’ writings around self, awareness of self, self-concept and the process of self-actualization. Seeing it written down now though, I’m wondering if I’ve actually caused ‘me’ to see ‘Self’ as a separate entity. Something which existed inside of ‘me’ & which I was striving to un-cover & dis-cover. I’ve created a dualism for myself, so reminiscent of dualistic Western thinking with its mind-body split.

I’m now realising though that I want to integrate ‘My Self’ and enable it to simply be ‘myself’. It’s time to stop searching for an entity labelled ‘My Self’ and accept that ‘My Self’ is actually ‘Me’!

And when I reach a point where ‘I’ is the same as ‘me’, then I’ll know that I’m fully integrated and connected with ‘myself’…. I’m not sure that’s a state that anyone can ever fully achieve, but I do believe we can experience times when we’re fully integrated and living as one. Our experience of living and being is constantly changing and we need to be free to move around and between our different parts.

Growing Towards the Light

Out walking today in some local woods, and I was amazed at the creativity evident in nature.

It felt wonderful to be out by myself in the woods, amongst the trees, walking along the riverbank. I passed a few people on my journey, and it was interesting to note that everyone else I saw was out walking with their dogs. I seemed to be the only person out there walking on my own. I love the solitary aspect of just being on my own in nature. Being free to experience the air, the sights, the sounds, the ground beneath my feet, the weather all around me …. and to simply connect with it. Walking also gives me the opportunity to allow my thoughts to wander. They’re somehow more free than when I’m sat, still and unmoving, at my computer desk.

There are times too, when it’s nice to go walking with friends. It can be a time then of shared conversation, shared confidences and shared experiences. The pleasure of two or more people enjoying each other’s company and that of the world around them…

During my walk, I spotted some trees with twisted, turning branches . Trees and plants need sunlight to grow, and hence to ensure their survival and continued growth, Mother Nature encourages them to be creative and find ways of obtaining the sunlight they need.

The trees in the photographs on this page have done just that … twisted and turned themselves to grow towards the light.

And this reminded me of the metaphorical story Carl Rogers tells in “A Way of Being” (1980) of the potato sprouts in his boyhood cellar. Potatoes stored in the cellar would sprout , and these sprouts would grow towards the light coming in through the window. The sprouts would be long, weak and spindly, but they would find a way to seek the light to achieve growth in the best way that they could … just like the trees in the pictures.

Rogers likened this to what he called the “actualising tendency” in humans.

As humans, we too always grow towards the light. We all do the best we can with the resources that we have. Our choices, our behaviours, our actions may not always on the surface appear rational, but underneath, they will be serving a positive purpose according to the individual’s life circumstances or belief systems. And in order to enable an individual to change, it can be useful to challenge their underlying belief systems and encourage them to discover a new source of light to grow towards.

Where our light is, that’s where we grow towards …

Different Perspectives … the same, & yet different

Travelling up the East Coast mainline yesterday, I lost myself in the amazing views of the Northumberland coastline and countryside I was watching pass by the train window. The crisp Spring morning, clear blue sky, and frost lying on the fields and roof tops all intermingled to create vibrant and beautiful views.

Not far north of Berwick, I noticed rugged cliffs and distinctive rock formations, and I was suddenly transported in my mind to a time just over 9 months ago. I was fortunate then to be having the experience of flying up the Northumberland coastline and around the Scottish borders in a light aeroplane. It was another day of clear blue skies, and again, I had amazing views … that time though from above.

And it was lovely yesterday morning to revisit those views; but this time from a different perspective. Same countryside, same cliff tops, and yet very different views.

This linked in my mind to an experience I had a couple of evening ago when I made a discovery regarding a feeling I’ve been experiencing for a long time. Whilst meditating on the feeling, my perspective on it suddenly shifted, and I saw it in a completely different light … the same feeling, and yet now, I have a completely different understanding of it, and consequently, of myself.

A change of perspective, and everything changes…

And this is so often what happens to people in the counselling room. Together, we explore a situation, behaviour, feeling or emotion the client is experiencing. It might be something they’ve been experiencing for a long time, and somehow, their understanding of it has become stuck, rigid, or blinkered. Then, during our exploration of it, a shift in their perception of it occurs. It might only seem like a small shift, but often, that change of perspective, no matter how small, is enough to instigate huge and lasting changes in an individual’s life, experiencing, or understanding of themselves.

Our dis-comforts, dis-eases, and ‘problems’ are often not as intractable as they seem, or as we believe them to be. It’s the understanding and interpretations we attach to them which influences our experiencing of them. And often the thing itself doesn’t need to change … what needs to change is our perspective on it, our beliefs about it, or the interpretation we attach to it. Make a shift in one of those, and an individual’s life, or experiencing of themselves, can suddenly seem like it’s changed significantly …




Photos taken May 2010

Journeying Through My Mind

Sitting still, yet moving;
Moving, yet sitting still.
Travelling from A to B, yet going nowhere;
Going nowhere, yet travelling from A to B.
Journeying through the countryside;
Journeying through my mind.

Travelling, or the act of moving seems to inspire me and fire up my creative inspiration. Sitting on a train earlier today, travelling from Newcastle to Glasgow, I was amazed at just how freely my mind was initiating new ideas. The movement of a train, or an aeroplane, seems to somehow allow me to journey freely within my own mind and make amazing discoveries.

I left the train this morning with a long list of ideas for blog entries and other things I want to explore. I remember a similar thing happening last year on a plane flying to Spain, when I stepped off board with pages full of ideas. On a couple of long flights to Denver, I remember time just flying by as I filled it with thoughts, ideas and inspiration for my PhD. And this evening, coming home, I’ve made some incredible discoveries and understandings about myself on my journey through ongoing self-awareness.

When I’m in that frame of mind I’m always disappointed when my journey ends … when I have to step outside and leave my bubble of creativity behind. I’m left wondering what ideas and thoughts am I leaving behind on that plane, on that train?

But … from a different perspective, stepping off that train or plane is just the first step on my journey of putting my thoughts and ideas into action … & that’s when the real fun can begin...

** Photo taken at Newcastle Central Station, 7.10am 08.03.11

Playing in the Playground of My Mind

Appreciating where I am now,
Me, myself and I,
Playing in the playground of my mind.


The poem I posted earlier today has inspired the title of this blog … it feels like they’re both very much interlinked.

Over the last week or so, I’ve been very aware of the power of my unconscious. I’m realising how much of my learning and processing occurs at a level of which I’m not fully aware; a sense of ‘playing in the playground of my mind.’

After a training course last weekend around EFT and ‘tapping’ to release the emotions from memories and other events, I dreamt of myself engaging in a number of rounds of EFT. Three times through that night, I woke up, aware that I’d been ‘tapping’ in my sleep … I had no recollection of the memory or emotion I’d been ‘tapping’ on, but in my waking state, I knew I’d been working through something. Whether I’d been working on anything in particular, or whether I’d simply been processing my learning, I’ll possibly never know … but waking up three times tells me my unconscious was most definitely working through something; and definitely for my benefit.

The night before last I woke up through the night, again, ‘knowing’ that I’d been practising in my sleep, the NLP techniques I’ve been learning recently. Again, I had no recollection of exactly what I’d been doing, but I just ‘knew’ that I’d been practising and processing my recent learnings.

And then last night, I woke up at 4am with an ‘urge’ to write a poem (the poem in my previous blog). The words flowed easily and freely, beginning with the idea of playing in my playground in the sky. Originally, I wanted the poem to end with the title of this blog … ‘playing in the playground of my mind,’ but as I wrote it, that line no longer fit. And this blog entry feels like its resolution. I’ve not written any poetry or song lyrics for many, many years and so writing in that way felt like a reconnection to long lost parts of myself. And because the words flowed so readily and were available upon waking, I’m sure my unconscious had already started the process of composition as I slept.

And in the words of that poem was a very clear statement as to how I’m feeling right now … at a turning point in my life, both personally and professionally. No more head playing in the clouds, distanced, disconnected and disengaged, but a sense of integration, connection and groundedness in me, myself and my learnings.

Maybe it’s time we all learned to trust in the power of our unconscious and to set ourselves free to play in the playground of our minds….

Playing In The Playground

It's a long, long time since I've written any poetry / song lyrics, but I woke up at 4am this morning and wrote this poem ... about moving on & connecting fully with life...


Remembering a time,
Just he and I,
Playing in our playground in the sky.

Chasing clouds, chasing dreams,
Lovers soaring on the breeze.
A distant storm stirs the air,
Turbulence grounds what was once there.

It was escapism, it was freedom,
Playing with clouds was such a fun thing.
But it was disconnected, disengaged,
An observer’s view; safe, yet lacking.

For me now, it’s about connection,
To myself, life and living.
A self resurrection,
As a new life begins breathing.

Heart, soul, body and mind,
Together, they are one.
Love, laughter, dreams and friendship;
As my life will become.

Exploring now a time,
Another he and I,
Playing in the playground that is life.

(c) Sharon Cox, 06.03.11

Colour on a Grey Day

Even on the greyest of days, colour can be found …

I’ve always been an optimist, full of hope and never giving up. Even at times when I’ve felt really low and experienced the bad times that we all go through at times, I’ve never lost my sense of hope and belief that things would get better.

I think these attitudes can be useful in life. For me, it’s not so much about what happens to oneself, but how one deals with it that’s important. The true value of life is to be found in all of its experiences, the positive ones and the not so positive. And often, the greatest learning can be found in the painful, disappointing experiences we all encounter … this is sometimes where the colour can be found. Although sometimes we have to look closely to find it.

It’s important not to get lost in the grey days and get stuck in a thought pattern that this is all there is. Conversely though, it’s also important to recognise the greyness & not just brush it away to one side. For me, it’s useful to recognise and accept the feelings I’m experiencing and to explore them in relation to the situation. Also, to take an honest look at that situation and ask yourself what role you’ve played in creating it. This can be really difficult to do, because often, the situations we find ourselves in are of our own making and it can be a painful acceptance to recognise and admit to this. But once you can do this and have accepted responsibility for your role in creating it, it’s only a small step to take to realise that you can also play a role in moving away from it.

It seems to me that personal responsibility is key to this. We can choose to wallow and stay standing in negative or painful experiences, or, we can choose to take a good look at ourselves and our surroundings, learn our lessons and apply them to creating a happier, more colour-filled life.

Sometimes though, we do find ourselves in painful, frustrating, sad or difficult circumstances not of our own making. And in these cases, all we can do is accept them for what they are, allow ourselves to fully experience our feelings, and look for the little bits of colour that can always be found on those grey days if we just take the time to see them …




**Photos taken on 04.03.11 at Cullercoats