Monday 21 February 2011

As a counsellor: Not there to fix ... but to share & empower

One of the strengths of counselling is that the counsellor does not take responsibility for the client, does not give them ‘answers’, does not provide them with advice or tell them what to do. Instead, counselling is about enabling the client to access their own resources, to empower clients to trust in themselves & to learn that they can find their own answers … they don’t need to rely on a counsellor, or anyone else to find their way through their life.

A number of clients come to me ‘expecting’ me to tell them what to do to make themselves feel better or to improve their situation. At times, clients can be quite unhappy and I sense their frustration towards me when I won’t give them advice, when I won’t tell them what to do, when I can’t ‘fix’ everything for them. And it can be difficult at times when a client asks outright for advice and I know that it’s not what I’m there for. As a counsellor, I have to know at a deep level that I’m not responsible for my clients and their lives; my role is to encourage the client’s own discoveries and strengths. I don’t know what’s right for anyone else, I don’t have a book full of answers, and as we are all unique individuals, everyone’s ‘answer’ will be different anyway … it’s for the individual themselves to discover their own solutions. And as a counsellor, I’m in the privileged position of sharing in that process … often starting with the client’s frustrations at themselves, their situation , and myself, moving sometimes through a state of confusion, and then the enlightenment that occurs when someone suddenly sees a way forward, or begins to see things from a different perspective.

But I can’t do that for them. I can only facilitate the process towards that discovery. And sometimes, clients come up with solutions for them that I could never have imagined. Clients can be incredibly creative once they’re given the right conditions in which to explore their thoughts, feelings, emotions, options, etc. So often in life, friends, families and others are too keen to jump in and give people advice … and this can often prove counterproductive. People aren’t encouraged to trust in themselves or to discover their own resources or they often end up doing things to please other people rather than themselves. If they’ve taken someone else’s advice, it’s easy to ‘blame’ that person when things don’t work out, rather than taking responsibility for coming up with their own answers & implementing them.

When clients ask me for advice, or want me to tell them what to do, I simply reflect everything back to them. I often ask them the question that they’ve asked me … and sometimes, actually hearing that question being asked of themselves by someone else enables the client to answer it … I had this experience with a client recently.

I’ve had another client recently tell me about frustrated they felt with me in the early stages of our therapeutic relationship when they were asking me what they should do, and I wouldn’t tell them. That client has since learned that they have the internal resources within themselves to make decisions and implement them . And because of this, that client is learning to trust more in herself, to take more responsibility for her situations … and they’ll take this learning forward into future situations long after therapy is over.

And for me, enabling clients to discover their own inner resources, to learn to trust in themselves and their capabilities and to learn to take more responsibility for themselves and their life situations is one of the biggest strengths of counselling … and seeing these things occurring is one of the (many) privileges of being a counsellor.

Saturday 19 February 2011

Spirituality and Eating Disorders

I’ve just read an article; “The Role of Spirituality in the Treatment of Trauma and Eating Disorders: Recommendations for Clinical Practice” (Berrett, Hardman, O’Grady and Richards, 2007) and it includes what is for me, a nice description of what spirituality encompasses ….”Spirituality includes experiences such as feeling compassion for someone, loving, accepting love, being able to feel hope, receiving inspiration, feeling enlightened, being honest and congruent, feeling gratitude, and feeling a sense of life meaning and purpose.”

Spirituality in any therapy room can be important … experiencing the things listed above, can help a client begin to feel accepted and worthy of the love of others …an often important step on the road to beginning to accept themselves.

Especially though, for people with eating disorders, who tend to have lost touch with themselves, or disconnected from themselves and their ability to connect to others, rediscovering a sense of spirituality can be an important element of recovery. Eating disorders are often about a denial of appetite, a denial of neediness, a denial of the importance of connection to others…. a denial of spirituality.

These clients develop eating disorder symptomatology as a coping mechanism, as a way of living in the most effective way they can with the emotions and experiences which have made up their lives. As a result of this, they tend to lose touch with their inner lives, their inner self, and begin to ‘worship at the altar of eating distress.’ Their whole life and emotional capability becomes focused on food, eating or not eating, and their weight or body shape; they don’t have space to make deep connections with themselves or anyone else. The person with an eating disorder thus becomes completely detached from both themselves and any sense of spirituality.

People with eating disorders tend to dislike themselves and can often only accept themselves if and when they’re happy with their current weight or weight-loss. When someone’s self-esteem is so dependent upon numbers on the bathroom scales, they tend not to hear any positive comments made about themselves by anyone. And if someone can’t, or won’t, allow positive feedback from others to touch their heart, their capacity for spiritual connection is severely limited.

In the counselling room, one of the most important things we can enable our clients to feel is that sense of connection … to us, and, more importantly, to themselves. Quite often, the person with Anorexia simply won’t take on board anything which is said, or will push away any attempt at connection, in the same way as s/he does with food. The person with Bulimia may appear to be taking in everything that is said, connecting on the surface, but they often find it difficult to hold onto, or digest the words and the relationship; casting it all aside (expelling it like a bulimic purge) once the session is over. The person with Binge Eating Disorder may simply interject everything that is said, but without the digestion or assimilation needed to make it their own.

It can therefore be difficult, and at times frustrating, to engage someone with an eating disorder, but once that trust is gained, the rewards for both the therapist and the client can be immense.

Friday 18 February 2011

Is it ethical for a counsellor to publish a blog?

This is a question I’ve been thinking about for a while. I love writing my blog and sharing my thoughts and experiences with others. But I’ve also been very aware of the potential ethical considerations relating to my work as a counsellor…

I’m choosing to write this today, because this month’s ‘Therapy Today’ (The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy ‘s magazine for members) discusses the ethical dilemma of inappropriate self-disclosure.

The article discusses the dilemma of a client becoming upset by a photograph in the counsellor’s home of the counsellor and her children, which the client felt to be an inappropriate self-disclosure regarding the counsellor’s life. It also makes mention of a discussion I was at a couple of years ago at the BACP annual conference by a professional indemnity insurance company. The company talked about complaints being filed with them by clients relating to inappropriate self-disclosure as a result of photographs being on show in the counsellor’s home. Any personal photographs or objects we display leave us open to complaint.

This is an especially pertinent issue for counsellors who, like myself, counsel from home. I’m careful in my counselling room, not to have any personal photos or intimate mementoes of my life. Although really, the whole room is a self-disclosure … everything in that room was chosen by me and potentially says a lot about me. My problem comes if clients need to use the bathroom; in which case I have to take them through more of my home. During this journey, it’s possible that they may catch sight of photographs and other personal clues about me and my life.

In our training, or certainly during my training, we were cautioned against any kind of self-disclosure, unless we could justify it in terms of its being beneficial to the client. In the counselling room with clients, I rarely feel the need for self-disclosure, and so the client knows very little about me, other than the me I present in the counselling relationship … in our training, this is how we are told it should be. With clients who come to me with eating disorders, they very often ask me what experience I have of working with eating disorders and if I have any personal experience. In these situations, I always tell the truth. I feel it’s important to be transparent and honest with clients. And for many, they are instantly reassured to know that I have had personal experience of the condition that brings them to me. I don’t tell them much else, other than that I am now recovered, which again gives them hope for their own recovery. I also find that clients don’t ask for any more … they’ve come to counselling to make sense of their own issues, they’re not interested in my story.

But this still leaves me with the dilemma of my blog. Everything I write in here is a self-disclosure. I own everything I write and although many of the entries are triggered by experiences I have or things people say to me, I’m always very careful to ensure that no one else is ever identifiable in my writing (unless I have their explicit permission). However, the very public nature of blogs means that past, present and potential clients may very well be reading this. Am I giving too much of myself away? If potential clients have read it before contacting me, is this setting up expectations within them of who I am? Does it lead to the counselling relationship beginning on an unbalanced foundation … in this case, the client knows more about me that I do them. Clients who haven’t read my blog don’t have that knowledge or those preconceptions. And from a purist ethical perspective, that’s the way it probably should be.

But I enjoy writing my blog. And I do know that clients read it … I’ve had a number of comments from them stating that they like what, and how I write, and that it makes them trust me more, but the conversation relating to my blog has never gone further than that. I’ve never discussed the content of a blog with a client … and I don’t think I ever will. What I choose to write on here is personal, but at the same time, I’m always very aware of the public nature of blogs and so am careful to ensure I never put anything on here that I don’t want people to know. My blog is me being transparent, honest and congruent with myself and anyone who chooses to read it … but only about those things I’m willing to share and have known.

I do though, think blog writing by counsellors is something that needs discussing from an ethical perspective….

Sunday 13 February 2011

Connecting with Nature


After a fabulous walk in the hills & open countryside of Northumberland this weekend, I’ve been reflecting on the impact of my surrounding environment on myself and my sense of wellbeing.

The very act of walking in itself, for me, is liberating; to be moving, to be observing what’s going on around me, to be part of nature, and also to feel my own body moving. If I’m working on something and I feel stuck, I’ll often go out for a walk; I find it helps ‘clear my head’ and I often find my answers come to me whilst I’m out there. And after a good walk, I always come back feeling refreshed and invigorated, and more connected to my body.

To be in the open space, in the fresh air is vital for me. If I spend too much time indoors, I begin to feel restricted and constrained. When I’m working at home, I often feel the need to just be outside. I love to jump in my car and drive down to the coast & walk along the pier or the seafront. I love the open expanse of the sea. I love the feel of the sea breeze on my face and hearing the sounds of the waves lapping on the sand or crashing on the rocks. The last time I was at the coast, I stood for a long while just listening to sounds of waves lapping over pebbles and then the water running back through the pebbles, before the next wave crashed and started the process again … perfect!



Connecting to, and being part of nature, is hugely important to me. Looking out of a friend’s kitchen window with a fabulous view of open countryside highlighted a stark contrast for me between that view, and my own … a back yard and brick wall to the back, or cars and houses to the front. And how entrapped I sometimes feel within that. A while back, I spent many mornings in a kitchen with views out onto trees, and I used to love sitting there with my cup of coffee, just looking out, watching the leaves, branches and birds. I’m also reminded of somewhere I spent a lot of time in my childhood … huge windows with fabulous views towards the Cheviots. The open space seems to allow me to open my mind more; I really miss having an open space to look out on…

And linked with this, I’ve been thinking recently about the effect of some of the rooms I counsel in …. in my own counselling room which I use for my private practice, I’m surrounded by own things, the room has absorbed my energy, as well as some of that from the many clients I’ve been privileged to work with there. Clients so often comment on the warmth and safety they experience in that room. And then in contrast, some of the other rooms I have to use when I’m working for other organisations aren’t as ideal. They’re quite often rooms used for all kinds of purposes, and so not geared up towards providing a safe counselling space. And for me, this really impacts on how I feel; I find these rooms depressing and limiting. I wonder how my clients experience them, and I wonder too, about the impact they have on my counselling. I appreciate that the relationship is the most significant factor in effective counselling, but I can’t help wondering about the impact of the surroundings on both client and therapist.

It seems to me that our environments and surroundings, both indoors and outdoors, really can, and do, have a significant effect on our experiencing and wellbeing.

Monday 7 February 2011

The Embodied Experience of a Researcher Researching Embodiment

My experience to date of researching the embodied subjectivity of therapists working with clients presenting with eating disorders is having interesting and unexpected effects on my own sense of embodiment. My experience of living within, and experiencing the world from within, my own body has changed over the last year and a half that I’ve been conducting the research.

For many years, I now recognise how much I lived from inside my head. I intellectualised everything and tried to rationalise everything, living a very detached life, regimented by self imposed intellectual ‘rules’. Believing I had to be “the good little girl” in order to be loved and accepted, I was relatively disconnected from my Self and my own body. I took my cues as to how I “should” be from this set of rules; living life according to how, and who, I believed other people wanted me to be.

This disconnection from my Self and my body was a huge contributory factor to my experience of eating distress and non-acceptance of my body. As I journeyed through Anorexia, I attempted to disappear, causing my body to become increasingly small and insubstantial … as I felt my Self to be. Moving then through a phase of Bulimia, I was attempting to grow, to fill my body with my Self, to allow both my Self and my body to become more substantial … but an ongoing lack of self-acceptance led to the Bulimic purge and rejection / repulsion of that attempt. A rejection / repulsion of my Self. And these symbolic meanings of eating disorders seem to be relatively common to a number of people experiencing eating distress.

My ongoing internal battle continued until I stopped fighting myself and allowed my Self to live within my body. And for a number of years prior to embarking on my research, I felt myself to be relatively comfortable with my experiencing of my Self in my body.

However, as I’ve read countless books and research articles, and interviewed people for my research, my sense of embodiment has intensified massively. I’m now very aware of how I chew over any information given to me before digesting it and allowing it to become part of me and my belief system. In the past, I was more likely to simply swallow whole what people told me, introjecting other peoples’ beliefs and ideas about the world, and consequently then not living true to my Self. Now though, reflecting on any information I receive allows me to mull it over, consider if and how, I can integrate it with my own beliefs before digesting it and allowing it to become part of me. Bulimia fits symbolically into this idea … wolfing down food indiscriminately (food symbolically representing information, ideas, love, etc) before then rejecting / expelling it through the act of purging because it doesn’t fit comfortably into one’s sense of Self.

I’m now very much more connected to my body. I’m aware of constantly checking things out with my body to find out how I’m feeling about something. It’s very easy to rationalise / intellectualise things, but feelings experienced within the body can often be relied upon to tell the ‘truth’ … trusting one’s ‘gut instinct.’ It takes time and awareness to ‘listen’ to your body and to learn to interpret what its feelings are communicating to you … my body now, is a valuable source of information for me…

I’m aware now of when I’m biting something back, something I’m maybe reluctant to voice … by the tension in my clenching jaw. Linked to this is a tendency to chew my lower lip, again when I’m biting something back; this is usually linked to feeling angry & not wanting to verbalise what I’m feeling. My shoulders raise slightly when I’m tense … I become aware of it, consciously drop them, and & I feel instantly relaxed. I have a certain tilt to my head when I’m feeling confident … when I need to access that confidence, I know I can tilt my head that way & I feel instantly more confident! And one of the big ones for me is holding tension in my stomach … for many years, I hated my stomach, rejected it … I now know that for me, my stomach is where my true Self rests … tension there means I’m not connecting fully with my Self.

And a rather more bizarre effect for me, has been how react to TV programmes such as “You’ve Been Framed” where people are shown experiencing physical pain … I find myself struggling now to watch them as I physically feel their pain. I’m also aware of a ‘rush’ of feeling from my adrenal glands as my body physically responds as though the incident is happening to me … bizarre!

Our bodies are fascinating communicators and they tell us so much about ourselves. Observing other people’s bodies can be very telling too; it’s easy to hide the truth behind words, but our bodies are constantly ‘leaking’ out the truth! It’s simply a case of learning how to read the messages of our own, and other people’s bodies.

Friday 4 February 2011

What’s in a name? Counsellor ... Change Therapist?

I’ve called myself a “counsellor” now for 10 years, but recently, and following my current reflection on my practice and the wider range of reading I’ve been engaging in, I’m beginning to feel restricted and constrained by that ‘label.’ And “Change Therapist” is a name that keeps springing to mind when I think about the work that I do, and look forward to doing in the future.

As I wrote in my previous blog, I am first and foremost a Person-Centred Counsellor, and I still fully adhere to the underlying philosophy of person-centredness. However, as I continue to read other methods of facilitating change for clients, I’m increasingly realising that I no longer want to be restrained by sticking rigidly to the methods of Rogerian therapy.

For me, effective therapy is essentially about a therapist (of whatever persuasion) enabling and facilitating a change which the client wishes to bring about. A good starting point is to listen fully and deeply to the client in front of you to hear exactly where they’re starting from, and exactly where they wish to go to; if they have a final goal in mind. It’s about accepting the client for exactly who, and where they are, without any judgement or criticism. It’s also about listening carefully to the words the client uses to gain a deeper understanding for both yourself (as therapist) and the client of how that individual views, experiences, and lives in, the world … eg, what beliefs do they hold, what thought patterns are restricting them or working against them living as they wish to, how does that individual view the world and their sense of themselves within it? Observing the client’s body language and their way of expressing themselves in, and through, their body can also offer a wealth of information to the observant therapist.

And quite often, this process alone is enlightening for the client, who has maybe never stopped to consider their own world view and belief systems. Quite often, people are unaware of the ineffective beliefs they’re holding onto and living their life by. By uncovering these beliefs within the therapy room and gaining a deeper understanding of them and where they came from, some clients are able to challenge, and change or reject those beliefs, and replace them with more effective ones, allowing them to go on to lead more peaceful lives.

However, for some clients this process isn’t enough, or it would maybe take many weeks, months or even years. And I’m increasingly seeing the beneficence of being able to offer techniques, exercises and processes to clients to assist in their discovery and change. Personal growth and change is very often difficult and challenging for clients, and if I can ease clients through that process without doing them harm (non-maleficence), then surely that can only be for their good? And for me, any processes or techniques which I ‘choose’ to use with clients are still grounded in my person-centred way of being … by remaining with clients in their process and empathising with them, I find that the relevant process for that client at that particular time, makes itself known to me. I’m not consciously sifting through a filing cabinet in my mind of techniques to offer a client which would suggest my not being fully with the client. I remain fully in contact with the person sat with me, and their communication invites the appropriate process into my consciousness. I’ve worked like this for a long time now, offering clients the opportunity to use art materials, stones, visualisations, maybe offering some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) exercises, and in the vast majority of cases, what I’ve offered the client has been willingly accepted and has proven beneficial for them at that time.

In the past, I was very sceptical of techniques such as those offered by NLP, and even Hypnosis, but at present I’m feeling increasingly excited and intrigued by what I’m learning they have to offer, both for myself as a therapist, and for my clients. I’ve spent a lot of time recently reading and talking about NLP and Hypnotherapy and especially their use of language (both verbal and body) and I’m recognising very close parallels with how I already work with my clients. I’m already employing a lot of ideas and theories from these two ‘schools,’ and as my training in them both develops throughout this year, I can envisage myself using more and more of their ideas, theories, techniques and processes … all with the aim of enabling change to happen for my clients … hence my term “Change Therapist.”