As a counsellor, my day to day life with clients revolves around change. I’m in a very privileged position of being able to facilitate, experience, and observe a range of change processes all unique to each individual client. But I often wonder exactly how change occurs in a person. I’m aware of various theories of change which I’ve learned about over the years, and on an abstract level, I understand them … but what happens on a concrete level?
I’m very aware that I myself am currently moving through a change process. And yet as I write, I’m aware that life itself is a continuous change process, and I’m wondering what’s different between the process I feel I’m going through just now compared to the day to day changes that life inevitably endows on us?
Some change processes are deliberately instigated, and I guess counselling clients fit into this category. They’re aware that something doesn’t feel right within themselves or their life and so they actively seek out therapy in order to initiate some kind of change. Other change processes are bestowed upon us by life circumstances, not necessarily of our own making. For example, the partner who unexpectedly leaves, the loved one who dies, the job that is lost, the chronic or terminal illness that is diagnosed. When big things like this happen to us, we inevitably have to go through a significant personal change process in order to adapt to our life with its changed circumstances. Our way of thinking, or being in the world, sometimes has to change … and that’s not always an easy process to negotiate.
But change is inevitable, and I think my sense of my current change process could be more accurately defined as a growth or development process. I’ve been working on my PhD for almost three years now, and my ways of thinking about, and understanding my topic have immeasurably expanded. My private practice is expanding and I have lots of other business ideas to begin to put into practice, most of which have grown out of my research. Over the duration of my PhD to date, a number of things have happened in my personal life, both positive and negative. People have come into, and left my life; every one of which has left some kind of mark on me. I’ve engaged in various training courses, which have expanded my knowledge and skills base and have hopefully enabled me to become a more effective therapist.
As I reflect, I think my current perceived change process is a culmination of my life’s journey over the last three years. I have a sense of things coming together, and although I know I’m not there yet, I have an inner confidence that everything (and everyone) in my life is exactly where it’s meant to be at this time. It still feels a bit chaotic for me, and I find myself grappling with countless thoughts whirring around inside my mind. But I know I’m making sense of everything. My emotions cycle through excitement, despair, joy, frustration, peace, anger, hope, loss, happiness, sadness and many more besides. I’ve learned though to simply allow my emotions to be, to experience them, to let them flow through me and to accept them as part of myself and my current process that I need to go through. Blocking the emotions would mean blocking the process.
Emotions and feelings can be very difficult to tolerate sometimes, and it’s easy to try to block them out or to hide away from them using avoidance strategies or substances. But for all of us, the only way we can effectively move forwards and learn and grow is to allow ourselves to experience the full depth of our emotions and feelings. This can only lead to a richer experience of life as we work through feelings, learn how to tolerate the painful ones and find ways to grow and develop as a person. People who, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to work through these feelings are often the people for who life doesn’t seem to change much.
Change at times, can be very uncomfortable and disorientating. Even when we know it’s a change which is ultimately going to benefit us, it’s difficult to step outside of one’s comfort zone and begin to put in place, or allow, the changes that need to occur. But for growth and movement through life, change, and some degree of discomfort is inevitable.
I’m very aware that for my clients, change is often uncomfortable or frightening, and as I’ve already said, it’s a privilege to witness someone else’s struggle and eventual breakthrough. My personal change journey takes place outside of the counselling room, but my experience and reflection on that experience is what ensures that I understand the kinds of journeys, feelings, thoughts and emotions that clients experience.
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