Masking Turbulent Insides

Sitting at the corner table in 'The Olde English Tea-Rooms,' watching everyone relaxing and chatting over their tea, coffee and freshly baked hot scones. I suspect I look just like one of them, enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee, calmly writing these notes ...

The outer appearance though is a mask; a complete contrast to my turbulent insides.

My stomach is churning, turning somersaults as it baulks at the caffeinated invasion. Nausea sweeps through me in unexpected waves. My mind is dancing and jumping through all the possible alternative realities that might be mine for the rest of the day as I anticipate turning the page to this as yet, unwritten interlude in my life.

Nervous, excited anticipation is my current dining companion. The meeting I've waited for, imagined, fantasised about, looked forward to, is about to happen. No one else in this sweet little cafe has any idea of the free-falling feelings tumbling around inside me.

We might be all sharing the same physical space, but we're each living our own unique, individual realities and experiences.

And for me, that's one of the things I love about us as human beings. We can never know completely what someone else's experience is; even when we're sharing that same experience. We can look around us at the people we're sharing public spaces with ... cafes, restaurants, bars, concert arenas, public transport, shops, schools, etc ... and yet never know what those other people are thinking, feeling, experiencing, remembering, even forgetting ...

And at times, the knowledge that no one else can know what one is thinking or feeling creates a sense of power. We might leak clues with our body language; and it can be fun to watch the expressions ... smiles, frowns, grimaces, etc ... that sometimes cross people's faces unconsciously, or changes in their posture, body movements. But they're just little unconscious leaks, small clues. We can never truly know.

Sometimes, it might be nice to know what other people are thinking or feeling, especially those we share a close or intimate relationship with. It would certainly reduce the inevitable uncertainties, misunderstandings and miscommunications that are part of relationships. But that would detract from the uniqueness of each of us as the individuals we are. Our unique subjective experience is what both isolates us ... and ultimately, connects us.

And by the way ... my meeting proved very enjoyable! The nerves had been entirely unnecessary; an easiness and gentle connection, with a hint of more to come quelled those instantly!