Decisions and Choices

Sometimes in life, we have to make very difficult decisions and choices. Sometimes it seems that whatever choice you make, you stand to lose.

I found myself in just such a position not so long ago, & I still wonder if I made the right choice. Torn between letting down two very special people in my life, I had to make a decision as to which one of them it had to be. It's been one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make & I spent so much time considering it, but I'm still not 100% certain I made the right choice. At the time, I did what felt right in order to protect something precious to me, but at the potential cost of damaging something equally precious. I think I might have gotten away with it, but I'll never completely let go of the guilt I felt at having to let someone down & the fear of having destroyed their trust in me.

But life's not always black and white, and sometimes we do have to make impossible choices. What do we do in such a situation? All we can do is make the decision that we believe is the right one for us, & I guess, if it proves not to be the right choice to have made, then we have to accept & live with the consequences. Sometimes though, those risky, grey decisions we need to make can be turning points in our lives & the start of something successful, which is what I'm hoping for from the second big decision I've recently had to make . . . .

This one involved my PhD . . . At the end of my first year I had to choose between an extra year's funding from my employer, staying with the research question I've worked on for the last 10 months or taking a big financial risk, self-funding, & changing my research question. I chose to step out of the safety net of work & the known, & go it alone. And the relief I've felt since is proving to me that I've made the right decision. Yes, it might be tough financially, but I have no doubt that it will be worth it. If you want something badly enough in life, you find a way of getting it. It's all a matter of determination. And the freedom & sense of liberation I feel in knowing that the PhD is completely mine now, & I'm no longer indebted to anyone else, is hugely empowering. The PhD means so much more to me now & I know I'll put even more work into it now than I would have done.

I also had to make a decision regarding the number of hours I worked; another decision which has financial implications. And again, I've followed my heart, my gut instinct. I've reduced my employment hours in order to give me more time for my PhD, & also I hope, more time in which to promote my private counselling practice & training courses / workshops. The risk I've taken in reducing my income, I'm sure, will give me the push & motivation to promote myself further & find more creative ways of living and financing my life.

And then of course, I've got another decision looming over me sometime soon. The cancer my cat Scrumpy, is suffering from will one day make her life uncomfortable & then I'll have to make that awful decision of choosing when to end her life. It's huge responsibility to think about choosing when to end a life (even that of a pet's), but I know I have to put her comfort first. And I know that the best gift I can give her for the 13 years of love & pleasure she's given me will be to end her life before she becomes distressed. I suspect there might be many more blog entries around this over the coming weeks, & hopefully, if she lives that long, months . . . .