Life scripts

I've recently had two lovely experiences through 'Facebook'; experiences which have touched my sense of self & especially my sense of who I was as a school child.

Two people I went to primary / high school with have recently responded to my friend requests, both by saying how much they remember me as "the brainiest girl in the class" or remembering my "gift of memory retention" & thanking me for helping them as much as I did back at school . . . . I know I was always the "class swot"/"teacher's pet" & I've often felt lucky when I've looked back at my school days that I was never bullied for it; for some reason, I seemed to gain the respect of my peers for always being "top of the class". But despite that, I've always carried a sense of unease, a sense of somehow not fitting in or not being one of the "cool kids" because I was intelligent. I've always felt that it left me somehow lacking; that somehow being intelligent meant I must be lacking in other ways - I guess I've never acceped that I am quite intelligent!! And it's taken me to embark on a PhD to finally accept that & to recognise that it's okay to be the "class swot"!

And these two facebook communications have come at such a good time for me, because they've reinforced that, back at school, when I felt I was no-one & felt inferior and somehow different, that other people weren't thinking that; despite my belief that they were. Other people did like me & they remember me fondly - & the messages I received brought a tear to my eye as I realised I had been liked at school and my peers didn't think less of me for being "clever". They've helped me accept who I am; & who I've always been. And I'm now rethinking the "life script" that I've told myself & lived by, since I was a child at school. I can change that now because the reality was very different to what I've always told myself. But isn't it sad that I didn't realise that when I was at school?

I'm not sure my intelligence was successfully celebrated in my family; or rather, I never felt that it was. Within my family, I felt that I had to belittle / minimise it, so as not to be "too clever" , or talk about things other people didn't understand- a "criticism" I clearly remember someone throwing at me. I'm sure it wasn't meant as a criticism, but it's really stayed with me & made me feel uncomfortable about being intelligent. And I realise now how much I've belittled & held myself back in order to not appear too good. And it's time now for that to change; it's time for me to put everything I've got into my career & my PhD and achieve what I'm really capable of!

But all this is making me think about how we, as people, live our lives with ideas in our heads of who we are, and we do whatever we can to ensure we live & experience our lives according to those ideas. Yet so often, other people have such different perspectives of us . . . & quite often those perspectives are much more positive than the ideas we hold. But some well-placed or well-timed comments from someone or a critical reflection on one's own life and life scripts can so easily change an individual's sense of self.